They shipped Missy!  

You don't understand.  I placed this order on July 18th.  They told me she was in stock.  SO NOT TRUE.  Then they were like, oh August 20th, we'll have her.  Then they were like, oh, she's out of stock now.  20 days and we should have her.  But they shipped.  I just checked my email and they shipped yesterday!

And now she's coming.  The most awesome and brilliant lyricist EVER!  On a Clear Night is oh so very different from The Sound of White but it is NO LESS awesome!  And finally I will have a copy of my very very own.  OH MY GOD!  So fucking happy!  *dances in office chair*

But lj has called to me and I doubt I could focus on my second chapter right now anyway.  We're on a resource busy which means NO ONE is doing anything so I couldn't concentrate.

I've been inspired, just today, to take my Spashley fic back up.  Mostly because there are lovely new sad songs about and they are FAR to weighty and depressing for my BAM fic no matter how angst filled it might be throughout.  Okay mostly they don't end well and that simply won't work for my BAM mood.  But they are SO good that some fic deserves to be written to them.  Spencer and Ashley (in that order, never the other) are the one couple who I ship that I don't know if I believe in anymore.  So these songs fit them.  We'll see if I can carry two at once.  BAM will always come first and if Spash starts to bleed over into BAM, I'll stop.  But the mood, the inspiration, is right there for me to take advantage of.  So, I will ATTEMPT it.  No promises but I did already have two chapters from the Spash fic to start.

That said, I've also discovered I'm quite the confusion.  I love angst.  If there's no angst, I doubt I'll read it.  I certainly don't enjoy writing happiness (regardless of the fact that I've never been happier in my life.)  However, I also demand, as a general rule, a happish ending.  Do what you will to my girls throughout so long as they are together in the end.  Sometimes, that just doesn't work though.  But it's what I always want.  I don't want the crushing fics in which a central character dies or my couple goes their separate ways.  Okay, one of the best fics I've ever read ends in devastating fashion with the death of a central character but that's beside the point.  I knew she was dead before I was out of the first chapter.  The point here, is that, within my own life I've never been happier.  Still, I want to read angst.  I want the crushing weight of devastation before the sweetness of the end.  Comedy rarely grabs my interest.  And still, I want the happy ending.  I don't want a black end.  A true romantic regardless of my realistic (many would call pessimistic) view.  It makes NO sense.  I know this and accept it.  It's just who I am.  Nothing is beautiful and worthwhile without work, without hardship, without tears.  Now exactly why it is that I still only write sadness and loss is something I'm uncertain about...

Finally I'm back to fic and avs.  I've started making avs again - Noir thus far and they do be pretty cool.  I've revised my first chapter, almost to its conclusion.  Hopefully the second chapter will follow by tomorrow.  Then I can FINALLY advance to new material.  There are some rough spots in my first chapter that I haven't sorted yet but I will before this is all said and done.  Right now, it's time to move on I think.  Maggie is where I want her to be and there are moments of beautiful heartbreak...I think.  I always did love my second chapter so maybe it won't take as long to revise.

Uh...life otherwise continues as usual.  Not so much new to report besides what I hope is the end of my relationship with blood relations.  Honestly, in the end, could be my only policy.  If it is selfish to want to be myself, to live for myself as I choose and not as others would like, then I will happily carry the banner of selfishness.  I only want to be who I am, not a reflection of anyone else.

And now, I give to you my inspiration

I don't know, I could crash and burn but maybe
At the end of this road I might catch a glimpse of me
Three months and I'm still breathing
Been a long road since those hands I left my tears in.
But I know it's never really over.
Three months and I'm still standing here.
Three months and I still remember it.
Three months and i'm still sober.
Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers.

You mean more to me than anyone I ever loved at all.
But you taught me how to trust myself
And so I say to you, this is what I have to do.
Cause I don't know who I am, who I am without you.
All I know is that I should.
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you.
All I know is that I should.
Cause she will love you more than I could.
She who dares to stand where I stood.

was pretty good.  

Well, let me amend - everything but the sports part of the weekend was pretty good.  My Rangers were knocked out of the playoffs at home on Saturday 5-4.  I wish Ottawa the best of luck in thrashing the Sabres.  Go Sens!  Tenn played a double-header against 'Bama on Saturday in softball and swept them.  Monica Abbott broke Cat's total strikeout record.  Doesn't matter.  Cat is still, by far, a better pitcher.  BOO Monica, BOO!  Liverpool lost to Fulham...to Fulham!  I mean, it doesn't matter because we'll still finish top 4 no matter what but honestly, Fulham.  A few good things are the UCI won the Men's NCAA volleyball championship 3-1.  Go Anteaters!  Also, the Yanks had a good series against the Mariners and the Rocket is indeed coming home.  So there's that.

Besides the sports, the weekend was fairly uneventful.  No, I did not get to my fics.  Don't ask why.  I don't know why.   I think I'm having trouble deciding how to approach Maggie and Bianca.  I just don't know what to do about Binks.  I'm working on it.  I miss writing.  No, we didn't watch any more Gilgamesh or Gunslinger Girl.  I didn't play MLB 2K7 at all.  I played GTA III.  That's it.  I read some fic.  We watched A LOT of sports.  But...Girltrash!  I do believe I have talked about it on here...maybe.  Angela Robinson is doing these short webisode types with several actresses involved in lesbian film/tv including Gabrielle Christian and Mandy Musgrave.  Just discovered that Amber Benson (squee) is also in it.  Anyway, check the trailer.  We may finally get some decent Gabby/Mandy lip action...it just won't be on South.  Yeah, don't get me started on South.  I've just decided I'm not going to talk about it anymore.  But Girltrash...I can't wait for her to start posting the webisodes.  Just sad that Jordana Brewster had to pull out but hey, getting a network TV spot...I get that.

Um, a few notes.  I miss Heather...yes, already.  I miss Liz.  I've missed Liz forever.  Now Eden's gone and taken the scary Rita character with her.  But my BAM...my poor BAM.  Yes, I'm also annoyed about South.  I can't help it.  I thought it last season and I just feel the circular answers from Tom, Gabby, and Mandy add fuel to the thought that there is pressure from the network to scale back the lesbian content...what little was left by season 2's end.  Eh, that's all I've got though.  I called it last season.  Hell, I called it after watching the season 1 ending kiss.  So now all that's left is to wait and see.  I love the girls though.  They've always been very supportive of the story, and in return, I'll support them in keeping up with their careers.  However, I won't continue to watch the show if they choose to go the route of downplaying (code for erasing) the lesbian content even more than they already have.  I miss Burst Angel.  I want to read the manga.  I want the OVA to be released here.  I want to know if Funimation is considering another series.  I think I'll focus my energy and attention on these sorts of things.  They take up time and keep me occupied.  I don't mind so much not having the PS3 when I've got all these other things to focus on.  Yeah yeah, writing would do that too.  I'm going to sort it.  I am.  I've picked my ship.  Now I just have to determine how in the hell I'm going to fix the mess we've been left with.  I think that will be my plan for the week, get some idea of how to fix this and where it needs to go to accomplish the happy ending I want for these girls.

Oh, and Al and I, we're great.  But then you probably already knew that didn't you?


 

Yeah, it's finally turned into a NC spring.  50 in the morning, 90 by mid-afternoon.

I've settled into a nice work routine.  6-2, lunch at 12:30.  I code all day.  I sit at my comp, listen to...something (right now it's OotP as read by Jim Dale) and code.  It's not exciting but it's pretty easy and I'm left alone to do it.  Friday Al and I get to leave at 1 because us noobs had to go get our badges made today and it took until 3 which means I got an extra hour in.  That'll be nice come Friday.  So, it's a job.  A perfectly acceptable job for now.  Have I really give a ton of thought to what's next?  No.  I'm getting around to that I swear.  I'm settling in for now.  Honestly, if this paid just a bit more, I'd probably be perfectly happy with this.  I just want to buy my PS3.

I'm an odd duck I know.  I want things.  I want to be able to go to Barnes & Noble and buy manga or fantasy whenever I want something.  I want to be able to buy a computer game or a PS game whenever there's something I want.  Occasionally I'd like to be able to upgrade my comp or buy a new TV or the new console system.  Occasionally there are big things I'd like to buy.  Not that many that I really have to have though.  Just occasional things.  Most days I'd be thrilled with a job that pays enough to allow for that.  It doesn't have to be the ideal job.  Just enough to keep me satisfied.  Then there are the days that I feel like my job should matter, should make a real difference.  I suppose if I gave much thought to what I'm doing now...I don't know how much I'd like it.  But some days, money matters more than morals to me.  Hell, I think most days money matters more.  Don't know if that's good or bad.  And then, most times, I feel guilty for wanting to buy a PS3 or a new vid card or whatever.  There are so many people who can barely afford to eat and here I am sad because I can't blow $900 on a console system.  So there that is.  Why yes, this was brought on by my wanting to buy a PS3 and not being able to because we need a car.  Yeah I know, the car is WAY more important.  Yeah, I can live perfectly fine without the PS3.  But it's so damn shiny...

Uh, in other news, Al and I have been on a manga/anime discovery journey.  On the manga front:  Fruits Basket is...odd, but intriguing.  Love Hina is just plain funny.  Demon Diary is both entertaining and quite the story.  At this very moment, I can only speak on those three.  Tons more that I want to check out.  As to anime:  you already know how much I love Burst Angel.  Gunslinger Girl just keeps getting better.  I've got Rurouni Kenshin to watch at some point.

Also, the Rangers finally got a game against the Sabres.  It's a 2-1 series and we've got  chance to even it up tonight at home.  So we'll see.  And the Yankees, well we kinda suck right now.  Bottom of the AL East and all.  Well that's not good.

Oh.  So yeah, I'm listening to OotP at work.  It's a compromise between reading and not reading.  I may still actually read it but it's nice to listen to at work.  And to think, I'd forgotten how much and how often I hated Harry the Git in this book.  So many times I just wanted to throw him under the tube train.  I mean, I ALWAYS want to throw Ron under a tube train.  But sometimes I like Harry.  Hermione is my girl.  You knew it right?  I've always got one and she's SO it.  It's sad that Ginny and Harry had to hook up.  I think I could grow to love her except for Harry.  And now that they've got her in pants (yeah, she's the ONLY girl in pants)....so damn slashable!  I'm definitely off to try and find some good Hermione/Ginny fic.

Finally, I'm hoping to settle down and start writing again SOON.  I've got all these lovely characters that certainly didn't get half of what they deserved from their writers.  And after reading the newest article on AfterEllen about Spashley...well...yeah.  I don't know how much to take from that or what to think but, the girls are hedging.  That much is obvious.  Dancing circles around the question doesn't generally mean ANYTHING good.  I refuse to worry about them "de-gaying" the show yet.  It's May.  The show doesn't air until September.  Still, I'm not holding my breath for ANYTHING good.  And should they go that route, for WHATEVER reason, I'm done.  I can abandon the show for that ONE reason.  Nothing else could make me do it, but that would every single time.  But back to my original point - writing.  I've got a real reason to do it.  My poor girls have been fucked over by their writers and they have too much potential not to pursue.  I'm not saying I'm the greatest writer in the world, but I do know these girls and I do love these girls.  I want the chance to give them better than they got.  Simple as that.  With that said, I'm off to brainstorm...

So I think I'm going to close the book on Bianca.  Hand me the brick and the trash bag.  I think I'm just going to drop her in the Atlantic.  Today, she and Zoe conspired, all giggly and middle school-like to spend lots of time together in London and Paris.  Bianca wants to take Zoe to all her favorite Parisian haunts.  They are going to see each other, blah blah blah.  Drivel.  Brick.  Trash bag.  Maggie, please for the love of cake, go fuck a lovely Parisian chick because Bianca doesn't deserve you.   You are a hot hot chick.  Go find someone who will love you, appreciate you, not take you for granted, and not run at the first sign of trouble.  You deserve it.  And if you see podBianca and Zoe out and about in Paris, feel free to flaunt your new, totally hot, girlfriend.  Gratuitous acts aren't frowned upon nearly so much in France...

However, now that I've gotten that out of my system, I do plan to fix this.  I actually feel quite inspired to write fanfic again.  My plan is quite grand in scale and scope.  None of my ships worked out.  None of them.  I'm going to fix it.  I'm going to write a story for each of them that ends happily if it KILLS me...and it might.  I love angst and honestly, I don't know that all of them would work out in the end.  But I'm going to find a way to make it so.  These girls deserve a chance at happiness and since their original writers fucked it all to hell (or never even gave them a shot) I'm going to do it.  I'm not saying I plan to write fluff.  I don't write fluff.  There will be angst and tons of it.  I can't very well fix the mess of Bianca and Maggie I've been left with without it.  And Buffy and Faith?  Without angst?  And violence?  Yeah right.  And Sam and Brooke?  Dear god that will be ugly and painful.  As to Spencer and Ashley...I don't even know.  That book isn't closed yet.  I need to get back to that fic.  I don't know though...I'm pretty sure it might not end happily.  I need to think about it.  I guess that's the thing.  When I think about all my ships, I don't honestly know that all of them would be endgame for each other.  Bianca and Maggie, I feel completely 100% certain they are endgame.  Honestly, Buffy and Faith, if they ever figure it out, would probably be endgame.  Sam and Brooke, I love these girls.  I think they could make it work once they got past their own issues.  Spencer and Ashley, I think I've let the second season jade me.  And they are so fucking young ya know?  It's hard to know what would happen when they went off to uni or whatever.  I know, I know...Sam and Brooke were in high school too.  But they were so well developed.  Honestly I think they could make it work because both parties would really want it in the end.  I'm not sure about Spencer and Ashley.  I just don't know them well enough as characters.  Well, that's not quite true.  I thought I knew them pretty well, then the writers completely changed everything in season two.

But there's the grand plan.  Fix the mess with fiction.  Someone is getting a happy ending damn it!  And maybe, after I fix my big four, I'll work on Kaylee and Inara.  Lots of potential there.  And Jo and Meg...really, don't even get me started.  It's so strange that I want to make people happy.  I really have gotten soft...but angst damn it!  There will be lots of it before there is happiness.

So I guess...I'll post my work here maybe.  I need to do character analysis and figure out where all my girls are now and where I want them to head.  I actually started this last night with Buffy and Faith.  I can't write them if I don't know them.  Buffy and Faith, I think I know them fairly well.  But Joss is adding to the canon with the season 8 comics so who knows what will happen.  One thing about me, I do like to stay within canon as much as possible unless I'm writting a complete AU.  But I'll post my character and relationship analysis here.  Could be interesting...maybe.

My head is really quite a mess this morning.  Last night I drafted my first chapter which...was hard (not the writing, the dealing.)  I watched a million BAM clips which...was hard.  This morning I read and did my feedback for two VERY different stories which...was hard.


So that wraps this crazy long post up.  I started at one end of the spectrum and ended up on the other end.  It's where I'm spending A LOT of my time these days.  It's nice.  Being happy.  Smiling.  Building a home, building a life.  I'm okay being soft.  I don't have to be so hard anymore.  Sure, those moments will come when I feel lost, when I feel cut off, when I run.  I think though, that's okay.  Because I'm trying.  I'm getting better.  For Al...for myself.  That's the point isn't it?  Trying.