But lj has called to me and I doubt I could focus on my second chapter right now anyway.  We're on a resource busy which means NO ONE is doing anything so I couldn't concentrate.

I've been inspired, just today, to take my Spashley fic back up.  Mostly because there are lovely new sad songs about and they are FAR to weighty and depressing for my BAM fic no matter how angst filled it might be throughout.  Okay mostly they don't end well and that simply won't work for my BAM mood.  But they are SO good that some fic deserves to be written to them.  Spencer and Ashley (in that order, never the other) are the one couple who I ship that I don't know if I believe in anymore.  So these songs fit them.  We'll see if I can carry two at once.  BAM will always come first and if Spash starts to bleed over into BAM, I'll stop.  But the mood, the inspiration, is right there for me to take advantage of.  So, I will ATTEMPT it.  No promises but I did already have two chapters from the Spash fic to start.

That said, I've also discovered I'm quite the confusion.  I love angst.  If there's no angst, I doubt I'll read it.  I certainly don't enjoy writing happiness (regardless of the fact that I've never been happier in my life.)  However, I also demand, as a general rule, a happish ending.  Do what you will to my girls throughout so long as they are together in the end.  Sometimes, that just doesn't work though.  But it's what I always want.  I don't want the crushing fics in which a central character dies or my couple goes their separate ways.  Okay, one of the best fics I've ever read ends in devastating fashion with the death of a central character but that's beside the point.  I knew she was dead before I was out of the first chapter.  The point here, is that, within my own life I've never been happier.  Still, I want to read angst.  I want the crushing weight of devastation before the sweetness of the end.  Comedy rarely grabs my interest.  And still, I want the happy ending.  I don't want a black end.  A true romantic regardless of my realistic (many would call pessimistic) view.  It makes NO sense.  I know this and accept it.  It's just who I am.  Nothing is beautiful and worthwhile without work, without hardship, without tears.  Now exactly why it is that I still only write sadness and loss is something I'm uncertain about...

Finally I'm back to fic and avs.  I've started making avs again - Noir thus far and they do be pretty cool.  I've revised my first chapter, almost to its conclusion.  Hopefully the second chapter will follow by tomorrow.  Then I can FINALLY advance to new material.  There are some rough spots in my first chapter that I haven't sorted yet but I will before this is all said and done.  Right now, it's time to move on I think.  Maggie is where I want her to be and there are moments of beautiful heartbreak...I think.  I always did love my second chapter so maybe it won't take as long to revise.

Uh...life otherwise continues as usual.  Not so much new to report besides what I hope is the end of my relationship with blood relations.  Honestly, in the end, could be my only policy.  If it is selfish to want to be myself, to live for myself as I choose and not as others would like, then I will happily carry the banner of selfishness.  I only want to be who I am, not a reflection of anyone else.

And now, I give to you my inspiration

I don't know, I could crash and burn but maybe
At the end of this road I might catch a glimpse of me
Three months and I'm still breathing
Been a long road since those hands I left my tears in.
But I know it's never really over.
Three months and I'm still standing here.
Three months and I still remember it.
Three months and i'm still sober.
Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers.

You mean more to me than anyone I ever loved at all.
But you taught me how to trust myself
And so I say to you, this is what I have to do.
Cause I don't know who I am, who I am without you.
All I know is that I should.
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you.
All I know is that I should.
Cause she will love you more than I could.
She who dares to stand where I stood.

So, first off, this is going to be incredibly random.  I'm probably going to hit on at least 7 or 8 topics and who knows how in depth I'll go with any of them.  My schedule is...still very full.  We're going to look at cars this weekend (and quite possibly buy one) so I doubt I'll be home much.  And I've got to go to work and file all the data that just got error corrected and verified.  Hopefully, next week I'll at least have my schedule figured out...


Alrighty, I think I've written more than enough for today...

So, I owe pics of Liza.  I spent a good deal of time this morning pouring through caps from season 4 of Buffy, season 1 of Angel, season 4 of Angel, and season 7 of Buffy.  Honestly it's hard to find a good shot of her that isn't dark as hell or fuzzy without me making it myself.  I don't plan on doing that.  However, I did find one of the coolest exchanges between Buffy and Faith EVER. Just check it and tell me that - one: these girls didn't play up the chemistry between them (because they did, it's on record -  Doug Petrie talked about it on the DVD commentaries.  There's that rumor (of which I can't find hard proof) that the kiss in Enemies was originally supposed to be on the lips and the WB nixed it.  Eliza has talked about it in interviews which I read once upon a time and am trying to find again.) and two: how can you NOT slash Buffy and Faith?




Uh, so my second chapter may not be done by tonight.  She was a completely bitch last night.  I ended up having to delete two out of three pages and now have four and am not sure how many of those I'll be keeping.  There are just so many things I need to set up in this chapter.  So much has to happen.  And it's like, once the fun house mirrors come crashing down, everything gets muddled and I can't get it to shape up like I need it to.  I'll get there but it may take a few more days of serious work.  Bianca is such a complex and nuanced character.  Pulling all the emotions and realizations I need out of her is proving to be quite the task.  It's frustrating but, at the same time, a worthy learning experience in character development, gentle plot advancement, and the subtle art of realization.

First off, I was accused last night of not talking as much about soccer as other sports.  Since soccer is my favorite sport, period, I should like to take a moment to speak on this.  


And now, le weekend, which was almost entirely sports-based.  I did get jeans though!  I've been trying to find low-rise jeans that I liked for a while now.  I wanted Tilts...that didn't work out.  I couldn't justify getting Luckys at the $120 a pair price right now though I will get those Lil' Maggies one day.  Still, I was desperate until one of my last two pairs finally ripped from crotch to top of the back pocket AT WORK last week.  They were old and had started to wear obviously but I wasn't expecting that.  But, as it turns out, Kohls sells Levi 518s which are super low rise.  So I bought 3 different washes and these girls look SWEET.  Other than that, we didn't do much this weekend.  Had an AMAZING dinner at Carrabas on Friday.  Their food is simply splended and the dessert, GAH.  The rest of the weekend was spent watching softball regionals which were on ALL WEEKEND.

So, softball...

Also, the Yanks lost ANOTHER pitcher this weekend.  Rasner got his finger broken and could be out for MONTHS.  So we've called up yet another new starter...I think we're up to 11.  Clippard had a very good start against the Mets though so I'm hopeful again.  Even if we're like 10 games back in the AL East and don't even have a .500 record...

Outside of all that, I'm still working through Bianca's chapter.  I really like about the first page and a half...then it turns into a bit of a rushed mess.  I haven't quite figured out how to fix it yet but I will.  I'm shooting for having it settled by Tuesday so I can start on chapter 3.  Been rereading some of my old BAM favorites for inspiration.

Now, a return to a previous discussion...

EDIT - To finally finally talk about my Euro


And yes, I do realize this is a very long entry... - END EDIT

First, the WNBA regular season offically kicks off tomorrow.  My girls (Phoenix Mercury) are taking on the San Antonio Silver Stars @ 7:00 on NBA TV.  I get to see the beauty that is Dino and Cappie working together as the highest scoring tandem in the entire WNBA.  And we were oh so close to the post season last year.  Now that we've firmed up our center position, maybe this will be our year.  Also the defending champion Detroit Shock are playing the Sacramento Monarchs @ 3:30 on ABC.  It's the official season opener.  My UNC girl (Ivory Latta) was drafted by the Shock but I seriously doubt we'll see much of her this season with the talent they already had.  Also, an important note - a great many WNBA games can be viewed either on ESPN2 or NBA TV throughout the season but even more games will be shown on their regional sports channels and it just so happens that Al and I have all those channels...hehehe.  For example, almost every single New York Liberty game is being shown on MSG.  Now you ask, are they any good?  Uh, well they are a fairly young team - 5 rookies actually.  They only have two players with more than 3 years of playing experience.  But will I watch because it's women's professional basketball and it's on TV?  You bet I will.  Also, you have to love the fact that the Shock are continuing the tradition of listing Ivory MUCH taller than she actually is.  She's definitely listed at 5'6" again.  All I have to say to that is "YEAH RIGHT."

Now, for the equally exciting news...at least for me.  I'm going to get my French back.  It's been officially decided.  I made the purchase of audio cds and books.  No time or cash for class right now.  Hopefully sometime in the fairly  near future though.  For now, I'm making with the books, the cds, online aides, reading French news and sports, listening to French news, listening to French music, watching French films...ya know, the usual suspects for a poor girl who desperately misses her language.  I've missed French for ages but now I've got serious inspiration in wanting to know it for my fic.  So I'm going to get it back, even if it kills me.  I'm motivated and actually ready to put in the time required to learn this time around.  I know, I know.  If I'd just worked on it in uni I might not be starting over at the beginning now.  But I can't change the past, I can only improve my future.  So there's that.  And I'm crazy excited about it.

The fic itself...is in stasis until tomorrow.  Tomorrow I will finally revamp Bianca's chapter two and HOPEFULLY start in on chapter three.  I've got myself a girl to email about locating Maggie somewhere nice in Paris fairly near Marais so I'll get on that tomorrow.  Then I can seriously start researching the area and immersing myself in their local.  Once I've got this stuff nailed down, I just have to deal with med school in France and I should be pretty much set for everything that's to come in the fic.  Well, I can't say that because I don't know exactly where we are headed.  I mostly just know what's coming in the next two, maybe three or possibly four chapters.  After that, I'm as lost as anyone else until the girls tell me what they want.  It's all really exciting though.  I'm still very much into it which is a great sign.

Also, I need to get back to working on avatars.  I've been put off a bit since I'm heading into live action.  Seven seasons of Buffy, even if I just look through 5, 6, and 7 is SO MANY screencaps.  Two seasons of VMars.  Two seasons of Popular.  Months of AMC.  Whew.  And I've still got to find many animated caps.  I've got a lot of work ahead of me but I enjoy it. I just have to be in the right mood.  At least I realized I didn't have to do it all in one weekend...

Speaking of the weekend - so many movies are out on DVD finally.  Must see Little Children, Volver, The Last King of Scotland, Notes on a Scandal, The Queen, Children of Men, Pan's Labyrinth, The Fountain, and quite possibly Becket.  It's a lot to get through but since we didn't get to them before the Oscars, I at least want to see them now.  Oh, and Planet Earth: The Complete BBC Series is also coming out.  Probably about time I check it out.  The second season of Weeds is coming out soon too.  Yes I know I've neglected my film.  I'm getting back to it.  But I so love my anime...This also reminds me that I never finished "News Wars" on Frontline.  I should do that.

The NCAA Softball regionals are going on right now.  Taryne Mowatt threw a no-hitter for us today in our 9-0 bruising of Howard.  We're playing Miss State tomorrow.  UNC won 4-3.  Texas lost to GTech 2-3.  Tenn won...it was ugly.  So there's that.  Softball on TV tomorrow, no idea what games are being show though.  I can watch the UA game online though so it doesn't really matter about the rest of the field.  Also, the UNC women's lacrosse team is taking on Virgina AGAIN tomorrow for a spot in the Final Four.  Oh and the Yanks are in the first Subway series of the season and we dropped the first game.  Eesh, heavy sports weekend.

But now I'm off to read a bit of fic and then crash because the day and its activities are finally catching up with me.  Oh yeah, I had a massive migraine on our anniversary.  We didn't do much besides lay in bed and watch cartoons.  Still, one of the best evenings ever...

So I've got two chapters for my BAM fic.  Yes, they are actually chronological.  No, there has been no real flashback yet.  Yes, I have a chapter from each girl's pov.  But anyway, I was seriously struggling because of the ridiculous nature of the canon of the show.  So many things that we were never told and a great many of the things we were told contradict each other.  It was blocking me.  Tonight, I sorted it out.  Mags and Binks both helped me out.  I understand the back-story now.  No I don't have lots of detail but I know how both girls got to where they are now.  I know why Maggie cheated, how it all went down, what she was thinking.  I know what was going on in Bianca's head...finally.  She let me in the crazy kid.  I found the old Bianca.  I KNOW!  It's crazy that I actually managed to dig her out from under all that garbage.  But there she was and she made sense once I got her to start talking again. 

So, like six legal pages later, I get my girls.  I understand how they got here as a couple and as individuals.  It's huge.  It means I can move forward.  It means I'll know where their words and actions are coming from.  Oh...right...my characters almost always talk to me.  Ashley hated talking to me but that's just Ashley.  She doesn't open up.  Spencer's been throwing full shot glasses at me for weeks now. And she also nailed me with a chair.  It wasn't pretty.  But Maggie and Bianca, they both seem to want to get this mess sorted.  They've been very chatty.  Might actually mean I'll write frequently.  Tomorrow I'm tackling Bianca's chapter...which might be ugly.  I have NO idea.  She completely ran away on me.  I certainly didn't plan on everything falling into place and falling apart right away.  But it did anyway.  So we'll see how that goes.  Third chapter may be Bianca's call to Kendall (yeah I am aware none of this makes sense to you guys...I could post...eh.)  Or third chapter could be Maggie at Casey's and more on Maggie's life now (med school, friends, girls, ya know.)  The girls will tell me.  Someone will demand I write about them I'm sure.

Bottom line - I'm excited about this endeavor and I know my characters now.  I think this may be the one I can stick with.  Sure there's still a ton of research in my future...and I may need someone fluent in French to help me out a bit...but I'm excited about the prospect.  I actually want to research Paris and med school.  I don't think I can relearn French in time but...yeah, I'm really excited about this.  I even made a new avatar because I just couldn't bring myself to use a happy BAM (or even slightly confused BAM) av.  I need apart, confused, hurting BAM.  I don't like it, but that's where we are for now.  So there's that.

Bum - I miss you.  I'm glad we got to talk yesterday.

You...who I need a nickname for.  I will come up with one.  It's an endearment thing really, I swear. - I don't need thanks.  Seriously, it's what I do...or try to do  No idea how helpful I was anyway....but you smiled and laughed some.  These are good things in my book.

As a note - I may not be around on the 17th.  Big day for me and Al.  No, we aren't actually celebrating on the 17th but who knows, maybe we'll do something.  I definitely have things in mind...

Oh, I've got a new BAM fic to read too!  Cailey started a new one in which she's rewriting the whole Zoe story...no idea what that means but the first chapter was amazing and her work ALWAYS is.  If anyone can fix this mess, can find the real Bianca, it's her.  Already I've been inspired by one of her lines

My Maggie, my Maggie who was never really mine.

It's the Bianca who gets it.  She never got it on the show.  I was thrilled to see that Cailey was writing again.  So there's that too.

I did it!  I wrote my chapter 1 for my story.  I know, you totally didn't think I'd actually do it, did ya?  Well I did.  I actually knew exactly what I wanted to do with it and everything.  Of course, once I sat down and starting writing, my girls took it in a different direction.  It's rough.  It's gonna need some serious revision I think but everything I wanted to get in there is in.  There was a really tense moment when Maggie decided she needed to ask Bianca about Miranda and that through the whole thing off.  Now I have to go back and deal with the mess that created.  It was always one of my biggest frustrations with what AMC did to her character - made her seem to care less about Miranda than she always had.  Maggie has loved that little girl from nearly the minute she learned Bianca was going to keep her.  She was like a proud papa most of the time.  When they thought Miranda had died, it nearly killed Maggie.  Once Miranda was back...you have to see Maggie with the kid.  She adored her.  Loved her like she was her own.  I don't want to lose that Maggie and Maggie, it would seem, doesn't want to lose that part of herself either.  I think that's the biggest issue I have to deal with in revision.  It's hard to skirt around the subject and it's hard to have Maggie respond in a noncommital way about Miranda when it's killing her that she may (probably in her head) never get to see her again, let alone have the chance to be her other mom.  I have to sort that.  Meanwhile, Bianca's already decided to start telling her part of the story whether I've had a chance to start on the second chapter or not.  Guess I'm going to have to sit down tonight with her...

Also, I need a med student (it'd be great if I could find one from France), a long-time viewer of AMC who can fill me in on history and answer some questions that I have been unable to find the answers to, and (if I can't find a French med student) someone with a very good knowledge of France and Paris specifically.  If I'm doing this, I'm doing it right.  I'm going to have a good understanding of Maggie's life.  I'm going to know the city they're both living in.  So...research begins.  I've got chapter two but after that, I'm going to need to locate Maggie somewhere in the city...Worth it though, I'm excited about this one.  It's gonna end well, I just have to get them there first.

Oh, more avatars.  I'll upload eventually.  Gotta get their tags sorted.

Okay, I won't actually start out with my subject heading.

Bum - my schedule has changed a bit.  I'm not getting in until around 4:30 or 5 now which is why I haven't been on YM.  When is a good time for outside of that?  Any ideas?  I miss talking to you and want to figure this out.

As to avatars - I bought the upgrade so I can upload 105.  This means I've got room for 70 more and I've really been working on them.  I've got a ton from Avatar: The Last Airbender and Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends.  I've got several from FFX and FFX-2.  I've got a couple from KH2 as well.  I'm going to spend the weekend searching for Spongebob, Fairly Odd Parents, Buffy, HP, Popular, VMars, Firefly, and other assorted pics to work into avatars.  If I'm lucky, I'll find some Burst Angel stuff as well.  So I'm really making use of the LJ...if in no other way of late than artistically.  It's fun though, and cheap.  Next I'll have to work out how I'm going to use all 105 of them...

Work is work.  Nothing new to report.  We're down right now obviously or I wouldn't be posting.  I've perfected the art of watching vids on the WM mini player while coding docs so my days tend to move by at a nice clip.  Weekend work is starting up though...not really excited about that.  But it's more money.  So there's that.

Uh...fic.  I'm still working through the numerous and complex issues surrounding the demise of BAM and Binks.  Bah.  Okay so maybe that's code for...I'm a lazy ass who'd rather read fic than write it because it takes a great deal of time and effort to actually write a fic.  But I really am going to get on it.  This weekend.  It's officially a goal to write a prologue or intro or chapter 1 or whatever it turns out to be.  I will have Maggie's life figured out I swear.  I'll deal with Binks when I have to.  But there it is - stated in writing.  I will have the first installment turned out by weekend's end.  Hold me to that.  Seriously.  As to the Spash fic, which yes I did invest a good deal of heart in, I don't think I have it in me to do them justice right now.  I think my own personal anger and frustration would bleed through and that's not fair to these characters.  If I find myself in a place where I feel I can pick it back up, I will.  That's all there is to that.

Otherwise, I eagerly await Girltrash.  I plan to devote copious amounts of time to making 70 avatars for this guy.  I'll write my first BAM installment and, of course, catch up on any updated fics.  Oh and search out those rare moments of sanity after Bianca's return when she actually talked about Maggie.  They're out there you know.  I mean she did a complete 180 at some point...but they're out there those beautiful moments of clarity.  Uh...dinner tonight at Outback and I'm selling off some shit to make a wee bit of cash.  I may struggle with Six Feet but I'll let it go.  As to Saturday and Sunday...NO idea other than what I've expressed above.  We never have plans beforehand.  I think I like it that way.

And now, I'm off to continue my vid watching and search for some avatars to straight steal (well borrow with the intent to credit but not return) while we're still down.

One last thing - I kinda miss waxing philosophical on here.  There are actually a few things I'd like to talk on for a bit but I can't ever devote that kind of time here at work.  So expect a post or two this weekend about actual topics and not just silly random life stuff.

EDIT - So Al and I bought a recumbent bike.  Finally a piece of exercise equipment we can both use and enjoy.  In other news, of course we get in about the time the second showing of South reruns is coming on.  It was Girl's Guide to Dating which is a quality season 1 ep.  I ended up watching Say It Ain't So Spencer and What Just Happened while I biked.  I hate to say, I really do, but I still believe in the goodness of Spencer and Ashley.  I may not like what I've been given but I love what they had in season 1.  That Spencer and Ashley had a chance to be endgame.  I want that Spencer and Ashley back... - END EDIT

- A few quotes for my own personal inspiration -

Why didn't I stay and fight for the person I want most in the world?

I wanted her more than I wanted to take my next breath.

K: I know the right person will come along
B: She has. I'm in love with Maggie. Just like ...
Both: ... you're in love with Zach.
K: Yeah. I know. I get it.
B: It's crazy. When you love someone, you can forgive the unforgivable.

was pretty good.  

Well, let me amend - everything but the sports part of the weekend was pretty good.  My Rangers were knocked out of the playoffs at home on Saturday 5-4.  I wish Ottawa the best of luck in thrashing the Sabres.  Go Sens!  Tenn played a double-header against 'Bama on Saturday in softball and swept them.  Monica Abbott broke Cat's total strikeout record.  Doesn't matter.  Cat is still, by far, a better pitcher.  BOO Monica, BOO!  Liverpool lost to Fulham...to Fulham!  I mean, it doesn't matter because we'll still finish top 4 no matter what but honestly, Fulham.  A few good things are the UCI won the Men's NCAA volleyball championship 3-1.  Go Anteaters!  Also, the Yanks had a good series against the Mariners and the Rocket is indeed coming home.  So there's that.

Besides the sports, the weekend was fairly uneventful.  No, I did not get to my fics.  Don't ask why.  I don't know why.   I think I'm having trouble deciding how to approach Maggie and Bianca.  I just don't know what to do about Binks.  I'm working on it.  I miss writing.  No, we didn't watch any more Gilgamesh or Gunslinger Girl.  I didn't play MLB 2K7 at all.  I played GTA III.  That's it.  I read some fic.  We watched A LOT of sports.  But...Girltrash!  I do believe I have talked about it on here...maybe.  Angela Robinson is doing these short webisode types with several actresses involved in lesbian film/tv including Gabrielle Christian and Mandy Musgrave.  Just discovered that Amber Benson (squee) is also in it.  Anyway, check the trailer.  We may finally get some decent Gabby/Mandy lip action...it just won't be on South.  Yeah, don't get me started on South.  I've just decided I'm not going to talk about it anymore.  But Girltrash...I can't wait for her to start posting the webisodes.  Just sad that Jordana Brewster had to pull out but hey, getting a network TV spot...I get that.

Um, a few notes.  I miss Heather...yes, already.  I miss Liz.  I've missed Liz forever.  Now Eden's gone and taken the scary Rita character with her.  But my BAM...my poor BAM.  Yes, I'm also annoyed about South.  I can't help it.  I thought it last season and I just feel the circular answers from Tom, Gabby, and Mandy add fuel to the thought that there is pressure from the network to scale back the lesbian content...what little was left by season 2's end.  Eh, that's all I've got though.  I called it last season.  Hell, I called it after watching the season 1 ending kiss.  So now all that's left is to wait and see.  I love the girls though.  They've always been very supportive of the story, and in return, I'll support them in keeping up with their careers.  However, I won't continue to watch the show if they choose to go the route of downplaying (code for erasing) the lesbian content even more than they already have.  I miss Burst Angel.  I want to read the manga.  I want the OVA to be released here.  I want to know if Funimation is considering another series.  I think I'll focus my energy and attention on these sorts of things.  They take up time and keep me occupied.  I don't mind so much not having the PS3 when I've got all these other things to focus on.  Yeah yeah, writing would do that too.  I'm going to sort it.  I am.  I've picked my ship.  Now I just have to determine how in the hell I'm going to fix the mess we've been left with.  I think that will be my plan for the week, get some idea of how to fix this and where it needs to go to accomplish the happy ending I want for these girls.

Oh, and Al and I, we're great.  But then you probably already knew that didn't you?


 

Yeah, it's finally turned into a NC spring.  50 in the morning, 90 by mid-afternoon.

I've settled into a nice work routine.  6-2, lunch at 12:30.  I code all day.  I sit at my comp, listen to...something (right now it's OotP as read by Jim Dale) and code.  It's not exciting but it's pretty easy and I'm left alone to do it.  Friday Al and I get to leave at 1 because us noobs had to go get our badges made today and it took until 3 which means I got an extra hour in.  That'll be nice come Friday.  So, it's a job.  A perfectly acceptable job for now.  Have I really give a ton of thought to what's next?  No.  I'm getting around to that I swear.  I'm settling in for now.  Honestly, if this paid just a bit more, I'd probably be perfectly happy with this.  I just want to buy my PS3.

I'm an odd duck I know.  I want things.  I want to be able to go to Barnes & Noble and buy manga or fantasy whenever I want something.  I want to be able to buy a computer game or a PS game whenever there's something I want.  Occasionally I'd like to be able to upgrade my comp or buy a new TV or the new console system.  Occasionally there are big things I'd like to buy.  Not that many that I really have to have though.  Just occasional things.  Most days I'd be thrilled with a job that pays enough to allow for that.  It doesn't have to be the ideal job.  Just enough to keep me satisfied.  Then there are the days that I feel like my job should matter, should make a real difference.  I suppose if I gave much thought to what I'm doing now...I don't know how much I'd like it.  But some days, money matters more than morals to me.  Hell, I think most days money matters more.  Don't know if that's good or bad.  And then, most times, I feel guilty for wanting to buy a PS3 or a new vid card or whatever.  There are so many people who can barely afford to eat and here I am sad because I can't blow $900 on a console system.  So there that is.  Why yes, this was brought on by my wanting to buy a PS3 and not being able to because we need a car.  Yeah I know, the car is WAY more important.  Yeah, I can live perfectly fine without the PS3.  But it's so damn shiny...

Uh, in other news, Al and I have been on a manga/anime discovery journey.  On the manga front:  Fruits Basket is...odd, but intriguing.  Love Hina is just plain funny.  Demon Diary is both entertaining and quite the story.  At this very moment, I can only speak on those three.  Tons more that I want to check out.  As to anime:  you already know how much I love Burst Angel.  Gunslinger Girl just keeps getting better.  I've got Rurouni Kenshin to watch at some point.

Also, the Rangers finally got a game against the Sabres.  It's a 2-1 series and we've got  chance to even it up tonight at home.  So we'll see.  And the Yankees, well we kinda suck right now.  Bottom of the AL East and all.  Well that's not good.

Oh.  So yeah, I'm listening to OotP at work.  It's a compromise between reading and not reading.  I may still actually read it but it's nice to listen to at work.  And to think, I'd forgotten how much and how often I hated Harry the Git in this book.  So many times I just wanted to throw him under the tube train.  I mean, I ALWAYS want to throw Ron under a tube train.  But sometimes I like Harry.  Hermione is my girl.  You knew it right?  I've always got one and she's SO it.  It's sad that Ginny and Harry had to hook up.  I think I could grow to love her except for Harry.  And now that they've got her in pants (yeah, she's the ONLY girl in pants)....so damn slashable!  I'm definitely off to try and find some good Hermione/Ginny fic.

Finally, I'm hoping to settle down and start writing again SOON.  I've got all these lovely characters that certainly didn't get half of what they deserved from their writers.  And after reading the newest article on AfterEllen about Spashley...well...yeah.  I don't know how much to take from that or what to think but, the girls are hedging.  That much is obvious.  Dancing circles around the question doesn't generally mean ANYTHING good.  I refuse to worry about them "de-gaying" the show yet.  It's May.  The show doesn't air until September.  Still, I'm not holding my breath for ANYTHING good.  And should they go that route, for WHATEVER reason, I'm done.  I can abandon the show for that ONE reason.  Nothing else could make me do it, but that would every single time.  But back to my original point - writing.  I've got a real reason to do it.  My poor girls have been fucked over by their writers and they have too much potential not to pursue.  I'm not saying I'm the greatest writer in the world, but I do know these girls and I do love these girls.  I want the chance to give them better than they got.  Simple as that.  With that said, I'm off to brainstorm...

So I think I'm going to close the book on Bianca.  Hand me the brick and the trash bag.  I think I'm just going to drop her in the Atlantic.  Today, she and Zoe conspired, all giggly and middle school-like to spend lots of time together in London and Paris.  Bianca wants to take Zoe to all her favorite Parisian haunts.  They are going to see each other, blah blah blah.  Drivel.  Brick.  Trash bag.  Maggie, please for the love of cake, go fuck a lovely Parisian chick because Bianca doesn't deserve you.   You are a hot hot chick.  Go find someone who will love you, appreciate you, not take you for granted, and not run at the first sign of trouble.  You deserve it.  And if you see podBianca and Zoe out and about in Paris, feel free to flaunt your new, totally hot, girlfriend.  Gratuitous acts aren't frowned upon nearly so much in France...

However, now that I've gotten that out of my system, I do plan to fix this.  I actually feel quite inspired to write fanfic again.  My plan is quite grand in scale and scope.  None of my ships worked out.  None of them.  I'm going to fix it.  I'm going to write a story for each of them that ends happily if it KILLS me...and it might.  I love angst and honestly, I don't know that all of them would work out in the end.  But I'm going to find a way to make it so.  These girls deserve a chance at happiness and since their original writers fucked it all to hell (or never even gave them a shot) I'm going to do it.  I'm not saying I plan to write fluff.  I don't write fluff.  There will be angst and tons of it.  I can't very well fix the mess of Bianca and Maggie I've been left with without it.  And Buffy and Faith?  Without angst?  And violence?  Yeah right.  And Sam and Brooke?  Dear god that will be ugly and painful.  As to Spencer and Ashley...I don't even know.  That book isn't closed yet.  I need to get back to that fic.  I don't know though...I'm pretty sure it might not end happily.  I need to think about it.  I guess that's the thing.  When I think about all my ships, I don't honestly know that all of them would be endgame for each other.  Bianca and Maggie, I feel completely 100% certain they are endgame.  Honestly, Buffy and Faith, if they ever figure it out, would probably be endgame.  Sam and Brooke, I love these girls.  I think they could make it work once they got past their own issues.  Spencer and Ashley, I think I've let the second season jade me.  And they are so fucking young ya know?  It's hard to know what would happen when they went off to uni or whatever.  I know, I know...Sam and Brooke were in high school too.  But they were so well developed.  Honestly I think they could make it work because both parties would really want it in the end.  I'm not sure about Spencer and Ashley.  I just don't know them well enough as characters.  Well, that's not quite true.  I thought I knew them pretty well, then the writers completely changed everything in season two.

But there's the grand plan.  Fix the mess with fiction.  Someone is getting a happy ending damn it!  And maybe, after I fix my big four, I'll work on Kaylee and Inara.  Lots of potential there.  And Jo and Meg...really, don't even get me started.  It's so strange that I want to make people happy.  I really have gotten soft...but angst damn it!  There will be lots of it before there is happiness.

So I guess...I'll post my work here maybe.  I need to do character analysis and figure out where all my girls are now and where I want them to head.  I actually started this last night with Buffy and Faith.  I can't write them if I don't know them.  Buffy and Faith, I think I know them fairly well.  But Joss is adding to the canon with the season 8 comics so who knows what will happen.  One thing about me, I do like to stay within canon as much as possible unless I'm writting a complete AU.  But I'll post my character and relationship analysis here.  Could be interesting...maybe.

This is going to be completely random, I can already tell.

First, I'm in the process of tagging this fucker.  God, why do I have to ramble on about so many things in each entry?  I just keep having to make new tags...and I haven't even used half of them yet.  I just know the stuff is there, waiting.  So, I'm going to be working on tagging for...awhile.  It's not fun and I should've done it from the start, I know.

Second, what the hell is the point of a drabble?  I mean, 100 words to capture any sort of story, not going to happen.  I admit, I have run across a few that are just capturing one moment and they've been nice. Still, 100 words?  I'm a short story fan myself but dear god.  As a writing exercise, I do indeed understand the point.  Honestly I do.  As the reader though, I always find myself wanting more.  100 words is just never enough.  200, yeah that still isn't cutting it.  Ficlets, while adorable in name, are still short as hell.  I'm still generally left wanting.  So I guess, this is my feeling:  as writing exercises, they are brilliant.  Really brilliant.  Requires pin point focus.  Makes you give all your attention to one moment, one instance, one feeling.  As a developing tool, it works nicely.  For a reader, I just get annoyed.  More writing I say!  I want to read more.  I've actually become quite the fan of the lengthy fic of late...

Third, Palex is on my radar again.  I swear, I'm not watching Degrassi.  I'm just not.  I don't care if Alex has finally declared her love for Paige.  I don't care that the angst is lovely.  I don't care that Paige almost told Alex that she loved her too.  I swear. So I watched Free Fallin' parts 1 and 2.  So I went looking for...whatever the hell the name of 6x16 is.  Yeah I watched the declaration clip a couple of times.  I don't care.  So maybe I kinda sorta like.  Maybe I think they could possibly be cute.  Maybe I thought that last season too.  So what?  I know, I know.  I get sucked into like every single les storyline that exists.  I would never go on and on about them like BAM or Spashley, or even Sam/Brooke or Fuffy.  I just think...they have potential.  And there certainly is plenty of room for angst there.  Being less connected to the characters makes the angst a bit more enjoyable.  So there's that.

Fourth, I rediscovered my love of Kaylee/Inara.  I can't believe I forgot about them.  I know tons of peeps ship Kaylee/River, not my cup of tea.  Kaylee and Inara always had this easy comfort.  Do I honestly think there's any subtext there?  Well, I haven't watched Firefly in ages and I didn't finish Serenity but I know they didn't talk much at all.  So, I don't really feel like I can address the subtext issue.  I need to rewatch Firefly.  Then, maybe.  Doesn't matter much to me.  I've always liked the idea of Kaylee/Inara.  I can't remember what exactly got me to browsing fanfic this morning but I ended up reading some nice bits that reminded me just how much potential they could have.

Fifth, I really need new avatars.  I need a Firefly av...well, at least a Kaylee av.  A Kaylee/Inara av would be lovely.  I also need a soccer av.  I've got plenty of girls...I just need to choose a pic and make an av.  I just keep talking about new things and don't have the avs for them.  But they are things I'll be talking about...so I should have an av for them.

Closing...without any sort of introspection or any real ship discussion.  Yeah, I know I talked about Palex and Kaylee/Inara, but there was no depth.  It so doesn't count...

So...instead of making my first post INCREDIBLY long, I just decided to do two posts.

I have to address this because I have just realized what a problem this is becoming. I love South. You know this. I know this. Spencer and Ashley are my girls. I adore them, they are so freaking cute. However, I discovered Popular and with Popular, I discovered Sam and Brooke. Of course, they were never a canon couple. Neither were gay as far as the two seasons of canon were concerned (though those rumors about the third season did swirl about.) Still, there was incredible sexual tension there. Subtext abounded. Thus, I sought out fic. Obviously, as with all fanfic, quality varies greatly. However, there are some incredible stories out there and I've found them much more enjoyable and engrossing than even the best Spashley stories.

Thus my problem. I'm committed to a few fics on the Spashley board but I've lost my passion for them. The writers are fantastic and their stories are amazing but I'm just not as passionate about the subject matter anymore. This is what happens when I have too many obsessions. I can't maintain that kind of interest. Right now, Sam and Brooke make more sense to me, have more spark. They are everything good about Buffy and Faith without the actual trying to kill each other. We all know how Buffy and Faith are like my favorite subtexty couple of all time. Sam and Brooke though, rivaling them with those looks, those fights, excuses to touch and be near. I could talk about the subtexty moments forever.

Back to my problem though. These authors have given a lot of themselves already on these stories. I think I'm following and feedbacking on...4. Seriously: Twenty Six Miles, Time Doesn't Exist. Clocks Exist, The Problem With Me, and Butterflies and Hurricanes. I was incredibly excited about all of these stories when they started. Now sometimes I find reading them choresome. I feel like I owe it to the authors to stick with them but there are days when I just don't even want to bother. I think I need a break once I get through these guys. I may have reached my Spash limit for a bit. That, and characters are starting to bleed a bit on me.