So, as an intro to my thoughts, there is a good deal of speculation on the BAM board about the possibility that Liz could be coming back.  She's still showing up in the soap mags, which doesn't happen by accident very often apparently.  Also, on last Thursday's show, at Pine Valley General - there was a "paging Dr. Stone" heard over the hospital intercom system.  Could be coincidence - but not many things happen accidentally on soaps.  Everything is scripted and molded to keep you guessing and keep you coming back.  Still, I remain a skeptic to the last.  

Also, Eden's call-in is on the 14th.  There is a very ODD interview in SID (which everyone will tell you is the LEAST reliable soap mag) on Bianca actually being in PV.  I seriously doubt it.  But I guess we'll find out on the 14th.

Anyway, this has placed BAM solidly back in the forefront of my mind as far as my ships go.  I honestly have NO IDEA if Liz would actually come back.  With the same production team in place and a new headwriter that doesn't seem to have wrought serious improvements yet...*shrugs*


But, now there must be drabble.  My inet stream completely crapped out on me...which KEEPS happening at work because NO ONE is actually working.  So I opted to actually listen to some music and try and write a bit. 

And this...is what I got.  A lot of these recently have been really focused pieces.  I'm trying desperately to get back to my longer stories and these drabbles serve to help organize my thoughts and fill out backstory.  Doesn't mean they don't stand fine on their own or without knowledge of my specific subject matter.  I say it more to explain common themes and a lack of polish.







This one is hopeful.  I don't do hopeful often.  Who knows how it came across....


"Say you've kept some fire aside to set light to me some surprising night."






 

But lj has called to me and I doubt I could focus on my second chapter right now anyway.  We're on a resource busy which means NO ONE is doing anything so I couldn't concentrate.

I've been inspired, just today, to take my Spashley fic back up.  Mostly because there are lovely new sad songs about and they are FAR to weighty and depressing for my BAM fic no matter how angst filled it might be throughout.  Okay mostly they don't end well and that simply won't work for my BAM mood.  But they are SO good that some fic deserves to be written to them.  Spencer and Ashley (in that order, never the other) are the one couple who I ship that I don't know if I believe in anymore.  So these songs fit them.  We'll see if I can carry two at once.  BAM will always come first and if Spash starts to bleed over into BAM, I'll stop.  But the mood, the inspiration, is right there for me to take advantage of.  So, I will ATTEMPT it.  No promises but I did already have two chapters from the Spash fic to start.

That said, I've also discovered I'm quite the confusion.  I love angst.  If there's no angst, I doubt I'll read it.  I certainly don't enjoy writing happiness (regardless of the fact that I've never been happier in my life.)  However, I also demand, as a general rule, a happish ending.  Do what you will to my girls throughout so long as they are together in the end.  Sometimes, that just doesn't work though.  But it's what I always want.  I don't want the crushing fics in which a central character dies or my couple goes their separate ways.  Okay, one of the best fics I've ever read ends in devastating fashion with the death of a central character but that's beside the point.  I knew she was dead before I was out of the first chapter.  The point here, is that, within my own life I've never been happier.  Still, I want to read angst.  I want the crushing weight of devastation before the sweetness of the end.  Comedy rarely grabs my interest.  And still, I want the happy ending.  I don't want a black end.  A true romantic regardless of my realistic (many would call pessimistic) view.  It makes NO sense.  I know this and accept it.  It's just who I am.  Nothing is beautiful and worthwhile without work, without hardship, without tears.  Now exactly why it is that I still only write sadness and loss is something I'm uncertain about...

Finally I'm back to fic and avs.  I've started making avs again - Noir thus far and they do be pretty cool.  I've revised my first chapter, almost to its conclusion.  Hopefully the second chapter will follow by tomorrow.  Then I can FINALLY advance to new material.  There are some rough spots in my first chapter that I haven't sorted yet but I will before this is all said and done.  Right now, it's time to move on I think.  Maggie is where I want her to be and there are moments of beautiful heartbreak...I think.  I always did love my second chapter so maybe it won't take as long to revise.

Uh...life otherwise continues as usual.  Not so much new to report besides what I hope is the end of my relationship with blood relations.  Honestly, in the end, could be my only policy.  If it is selfish to want to be myself, to live for myself as I choose and not as others would like, then I will happily carry the banner of selfishness.  I only want to be who I am, not a reflection of anyone else.

And now, I give to you my inspiration

I don't know, I could crash and burn but maybe
At the end of this road I might catch a glimpse of me
Three months and I'm still breathing
Been a long road since those hands I left my tears in.
But I know it's never really over.
Three months and I'm still standing here.
Three months and I still remember it.
Three months and i'm still sober.
Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers.

You mean more to me than anyone I ever loved at all.
But you taught me how to trust myself
And so I say to you, this is what I have to do.
Cause I don't know who I am, who I am without you.
All I know is that I should.
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you.
All I know is that I should.
Cause she will love you more than I could.
She who dares to stand where I stood.

So, I owe pics of Liza.  I spent a good deal of time this morning pouring through caps from season 4 of Buffy, season 1 of Angel, season 4 of Angel, and season 7 of Buffy.  Honestly it's hard to find a good shot of her that isn't dark as hell or fuzzy without me making it myself.  I don't plan on doing that.  However, I did find one of the coolest exchanges between Buffy and Faith EVER. Just check it and tell me that - one: these girls didn't play up the chemistry between them (because they did, it's on record -  Doug Petrie talked about it on the DVD commentaries.  There's that rumor (of which I can't find hard proof) that the kiss in Enemies was originally supposed to be on the lips and the WB nixed it.  Eliza has talked about it in interviews which I read once upon a time and am trying to find again.) and two: how can you NOT slash Buffy and Faith?




Uh, so my second chapter may not be done by tonight.  She was a completely bitch last night.  I ended up having to delete two out of three pages and now have four and am not sure how many of those I'll be keeping.  There are just so many things I need to set up in this chapter.  So much has to happen.  And it's like, once the fun house mirrors come crashing down, everything gets muddled and I can't get it to shape up like I need it to.  I'll get there but it may take a few more days of serious work.  Bianca is such a complex and nuanced character.  Pulling all the emotions and realizations I need out of her is proving to be quite the task.  It's frustrating but, at the same time, a worthy learning experience in character development, gentle plot advancement, and the subtle art of realization.

First off, I was accused last night of not talking as much about soccer as other sports.  Since soccer is my favorite sport, period, I should like to take a moment to speak on this.  


And now, le weekend, which was almost entirely sports-based.  I did get jeans though!  I've been trying to find low-rise jeans that I liked for a while now.  I wanted Tilts...that didn't work out.  I couldn't justify getting Luckys at the $120 a pair price right now though I will get those Lil' Maggies one day.  Still, I was desperate until one of my last two pairs finally ripped from crotch to top of the back pocket AT WORK last week.  They were old and had started to wear obviously but I wasn't expecting that.  But, as it turns out, Kohls sells Levi 518s which are super low rise.  So I bought 3 different washes and these girls look SWEET.  Other than that, we didn't do much this weekend.  Had an AMAZING dinner at Carrabas on Friday.  Their food is simply splended and the dessert, GAH.  The rest of the weekend was spent watching softball regionals which were on ALL WEEKEND.

So, softball...

Also, the Yanks lost ANOTHER pitcher this weekend.  Rasner got his finger broken and could be out for MONTHS.  So we've called up yet another new starter...I think we're up to 11.  Clippard had a very good start against the Mets though so I'm hopeful again.  Even if we're like 10 games back in the AL East and don't even have a .500 record...

Outside of all that, I'm still working through Bianca's chapter.  I really like about the first page and a half...then it turns into a bit of a rushed mess.  I haven't quite figured out how to fix it yet but I will.  I'm shooting for having it settled by Tuesday so I can start on chapter 3.  Been rereading some of my old BAM favorites for inspiration.

Now, a return to a previous discussion...

EDIT - To finally finally talk about my Euro


And yes, I do realize this is a very long entry... - END EDIT

So I've got two chapters for my BAM fic.  Yes, they are actually chronological.  No, there has been no real flashback yet.  Yes, I have a chapter from each girl's pov.  But anyway, I was seriously struggling because of the ridiculous nature of the canon of the show.  So many things that we were never told and a great many of the things we were told contradict each other.  It was blocking me.  Tonight, I sorted it out.  Mags and Binks both helped me out.  I understand the back-story now.  No I don't have lots of detail but I know how both girls got to where they are now.  I know why Maggie cheated, how it all went down, what she was thinking.  I know what was going on in Bianca's head...finally.  She let me in the crazy kid.  I found the old Bianca.  I KNOW!  It's crazy that I actually managed to dig her out from under all that garbage.  But there she was and she made sense once I got her to start talking again. 

So, like six legal pages later, I get my girls.  I understand how they got here as a couple and as individuals.  It's huge.  It means I can move forward.  It means I'll know where their words and actions are coming from.  Oh...right...my characters almost always talk to me.  Ashley hated talking to me but that's just Ashley.  She doesn't open up.  Spencer's been throwing full shot glasses at me for weeks now. And she also nailed me with a chair.  It wasn't pretty.  But Maggie and Bianca, they both seem to want to get this mess sorted.  They've been very chatty.  Might actually mean I'll write frequently.  Tomorrow I'm tackling Bianca's chapter...which might be ugly.  I have NO idea.  She completely ran away on me.  I certainly didn't plan on everything falling into place and falling apart right away.  But it did anyway.  So we'll see how that goes.  Third chapter may be Bianca's call to Kendall (yeah I am aware none of this makes sense to you guys...I could post...eh.)  Or third chapter could be Maggie at Casey's and more on Maggie's life now (med school, friends, girls, ya know.)  The girls will tell me.  Someone will demand I write about them I'm sure.

Bottom line - I'm excited about this endeavor and I know my characters now.  I think this may be the one I can stick with.  Sure there's still a ton of research in my future...and I may need someone fluent in French to help me out a bit...but I'm excited about the prospect.  I actually want to research Paris and med school.  I don't think I can relearn French in time but...yeah, I'm really excited about this.  I even made a new avatar because I just couldn't bring myself to use a happy BAM (or even slightly confused BAM) av.  I need apart, confused, hurting BAM.  I don't like it, but that's where we are for now.  So there's that.

Bum - I miss you.  I'm glad we got to talk yesterday.

You...who I need a nickname for.  I will come up with one.  It's an endearment thing really, I swear. - I don't need thanks.  Seriously, it's what I do...or try to do  No idea how helpful I was anyway....but you smiled and laughed some.  These are good things in my book.

As a note - I may not be around on the 17th.  Big day for me and Al.  No, we aren't actually celebrating on the 17th but who knows, maybe we'll do something.  I definitely have things in mind...

Oh, I've got a new BAM fic to read too!  Cailey started a new one in which she's rewriting the whole Zoe story...no idea what that means but the first chapter was amazing and her work ALWAYS is.  If anyone can fix this mess, can find the real Bianca, it's her.  Already I've been inspired by one of her lines

My Maggie, my Maggie who was never really mine.

It's the Bianca who gets it.  She never got it on the show.  I was thrilled to see that Cailey was writing again.  So there's that too.

I did it!  I wrote my chapter 1 for my story.  I know, you totally didn't think I'd actually do it, did ya?  Well I did.  I actually knew exactly what I wanted to do with it and everything.  Of course, once I sat down and starting writing, my girls took it in a different direction.  It's rough.  It's gonna need some serious revision I think but everything I wanted to get in there is in.  There was a really tense moment when Maggie decided she needed to ask Bianca about Miranda and that through the whole thing off.  Now I have to go back and deal with the mess that created.  It was always one of my biggest frustrations with what AMC did to her character - made her seem to care less about Miranda than she always had.  Maggie has loved that little girl from nearly the minute she learned Bianca was going to keep her.  She was like a proud papa most of the time.  When they thought Miranda had died, it nearly killed Maggie.  Once Miranda was back...you have to see Maggie with the kid.  She adored her.  Loved her like she was her own.  I don't want to lose that Maggie and Maggie, it would seem, doesn't want to lose that part of herself either.  I think that's the biggest issue I have to deal with in revision.  It's hard to skirt around the subject and it's hard to have Maggie respond in a noncommital way about Miranda when it's killing her that she may (probably in her head) never get to see her again, let alone have the chance to be her other mom.  I have to sort that.  Meanwhile, Bianca's already decided to start telling her part of the story whether I've had a chance to start on the second chapter or not.  Guess I'm going to have to sit down tonight with her...

Also, I need a med student (it'd be great if I could find one from France), a long-time viewer of AMC who can fill me in on history and answer some questions that I have been unable to find the answers to, and (if I can't find a French med student) someone with a very good knowledge of France and Paris specifically.  If I'm doing this, I'm doing it right.  I'm going to have a good understanding of Maggie's life.  I'm going to know the city they're both living in.  So...research begins.  I've got chapter two but after that, I'm going to need to locate Maggie somewhere in the city...Worth it though, I'm excited about this one.  It's gonna end well, I just have to get them there first.

Oh, more avatars.  I'll upload eventually.  Gotta get their tags sorted.

Okay, I won't actually start out with my subject heading.

Bum - my schedule has changed a bit.  I'm not getting in until around 4:30 or 5 now which is why I haven't been on YM.  When is a good time for outside of that?  Any ideas?  I miss talking to you and want to figure this out.

As to avatars - I bought the upgrade so I can upload 105.  This means I've got room for 70 more and I've really been working on them.  I've got a ton from Avatar: The Last Airbender and Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends.  I've got several from FFX and FFX-2.  I've got a couple from KH2 as well.  I'm going to spend the weekend searching for Spongebob, Fairly Odd Parents, Buffy, HP, Popular, VMars, Firefly, and other assorted pics to work into avatars.  If I'm lucky, I'll find some Burst Angel stuff as well.  So I'm really making use of the LJ...if in no other way of late than artistically.  It's fun though, and cheap.  Next I'll have to work out how I'm going to use all 105 of them...

Work is work.  Nothing new to report.  We're down right now obviously or I wouldn't be posting.  I've perfected the art of watching vids on the WM mini player while coding docs so my days tend to move by at a nice clip.  Weekend work is starting up though...not really excited about that.  But it's more money.  So there's that.

Uh...fic.  I'm still working through the numerous and complex issues surrounding the demise of BAM and Binks.  Bah.  Okay so maybe that's code for...I'm a lazy ass who'd rather read fic than write it because it takes a great deal of time and effort to actually write a fic.  But I really am going to get on it.  This weekend.  It's officially a goal to write a prologue or intro or chapter 1 or whatever it turns out to be.  I will have Maggie's life figured out I swear.  I'll deal with Binks when I have to.  But there it is - stated in writing.  I will have the first installment turned out by weekend's end.  Hold me to that.  Seriously.  As to the Spash fic, which yes I did invest a good deal of heart in, I don't think I have it in me to do them justice right now.  I think my own personal anger and frustration would bleed through and that's not fair to these characters.  If I find myself in a place where I feel I can pick it back up, I will.  That's all there is to that.

Otherwise, I eagerly await Girltrash.  I plan to devote copious amounts of time to making 70 avatars for this guy.  I'll write my first BAM installment and, of course, catch up on any updated fics.  Oh and search out those rare moments of sanity after Bianca's return when she actually talked about Maggie.  They're out there you know.  I mean she did a complete 180 at some point...but they're out there those beautiful moments of clarity.  Uh...dinner tonight at Outback and I'm selling off some shit to make a wee bit of cash.  I may struggle with Six Feet but I'll let it go.  As to Saturday and Sunday...NO idea other than what I've expressed above.  We never have plans beforehand.  I think I like it that way.

And now, I'm off to continue my vid watching and search for some avatars to straight steal (well borrow with the intent to credit but not return) while we're still down.

One last thing - I kinda miss waxing philosophical on here.  There are actually a few things I'd like to talk on for a bit but I can't ever devote that kind of time here at work.  So expect a post or two this weekend about actual topics and not just silly random life stuff.

EDIT - So Al and I bought a recumbent bike.  Finally a piece of exercise equipment we can both use and enjoy.  In other news, of course we get in about the time the second showing of South reruns is coming on.  It was Girl's Guide to Dating which is a quality season 1 ep.  I ended up watching Say It Ain't So Spencer and What Just Happened while I biked.  I hate to say, I really do, but I still believe in the goodness of Spencer and Ashley.  I may not like what I've been given but I love what they had in season 1.  That Spencer and Ashley had a chance to be endgame.  I want that Spencer and Ashley back... - END EDIT

- A few quotes for my own personal inspiration -

Why didn't I stay and fight for the person I want most in the world?

I wanted her more than I wanted to take my next breath.

K: I know the right person will come along
B: She has. I'm in love with Maggie. Just like ...
Both: ... you're in love with Zach.
K: Yeah. I know. I get it.
B: It's crazy. When you love someone, you can forgive the unforgivable.

was pretty good.  

Well, let me amend - everything but the sports part of the weekend was pretty good.  My Rangers were knocked out of the playoffs at home on Saturday 5-4.  I wish Ottawa the best of luck in thrashing the Sabres.  Go Sens!  Tenn played a double-header against 'Bama on Saturday in softball and swept them.  Monica Abbott broke Cat's total strikeout record.  Doesn't matter.  Cat is still, by far, a better pitcher.  BOO Monica, BOO!  Liverpool lost to Fulham...to Fulham!  I mean, it doesn't matter because we'll still finish top 4 no matter what but honestly, Fulham.  A few good things are the UCI won the Men's NCAA volleyball championship 3-1.  Go Anteaters!  Also, the Yanks had a good series against the Mariners and the Rocket is indeed coming home.  So there's that.

Besides the sports, the weekend was fairly uneventful.  No, I did not get to my fics.  Don't ask why.  I don't know why.   I think I'm having trouble deciding how to approach Maggie and Bianca.  I just don't know what to do about Binks.  I'm working on it.  I miss writing.  No, we didn't watch any more Gilgamesh or Gunslinger Girl.  I didn't play MLB 2K7 at all.  I played GTA III.  That's it.  I read some fic.  We watched A LOT of sports.  But...Girltrash!  I do believe I have talked about it on here...maybe.  Angela Robinson is doing these short webisode types with several actresses involved in lesbian film/tv including Gabrielle Christian and Mandy Musgrave.  Just discovered that Amber Benson (squee) is also in it.  Anyway, check the trailer.  We may finally get some decent Gabby/Mandy lip action...it just won't be on South.  Yeah, don't get me started on South.  I've just decided I'm not going to talk about it anymore.  But Girltrash...I can't wait for her to start posting the webisodes.  Just sad that Jordana Brewster had to pull out but hey, getting a network TV spot...I get that.

Um, a few notes.  I miss Heather...yes, already.  I miss Liz.  I've missed Liz forever.  Now Eden's gone and taken the scary Rita character with her.  But my BAM...my poor BAM.  Yes, I'm also annoyed about South.  I can't help it.  I thought it last season and I just feel the circular answers from Tom, Gabby, and Mandy add fuel to the thought that there is pressure from the network to scale back the lesbian content...what little was left by season 2's end.  Eh, that's all I've got though.  I called it last season.  Hell, I called it after watching the season 1 ending kiss.  So now all that's left is to wait and see.  I love the girls though.  They've always been very supportive of the story, and in return, I'll support them in keeping up with their careers.  However, I won't continue to watch the show if they choose to go the route of downplaying (code for erasing) the lesbian content even more than they already have.  I miss Burst Angel.  I want to read the manga.  I want the OVA to be released here.  I want to know if Funimation is considering another series.  I think I'll focus my energy and attention on these sorts of things.  They take up time and keep me occupied.  I don't mind so much not having the PS3 when I've got all these other things to focus on.  Yeah yeah, writing would do that too.  I'm going to sort it.  I am.  I've picked my ship.  Now I just have to determine how in the hell I'm going to fix the mess we've been left with.  I think that will be my plan for the week, get some idea of how to fix this and where it needs to go to accomplish the happy ending I want for these girls.

Oh, and Al and I, we're great.  But then you probably already knew that didn't you?


 

I'm through training FINALLY.  Today I got to start my normal 6 - 2 schedule with coding.  Yeah, I code documents for 8 hours.  It's really exciting.  I'm probably going to get reviewed for at least a few weeks I'd guess.  My first check today went well.  Glad to hear that I actually do understand the codes a bit better than I thought.  It helps that we don't have to be complete, just hit the major points.  So...it's a job.  I don't love it.  I don't hate it.  It pays okay.  The benefits are great.  I don't have to deal with people that often.  The work environment itself is pretty good.  I eat lunch with Al everyday.  That's nice.  So there's that.  I'm hoping I'll be able to install Rhapsody on my computer once I get my own login.  We'll see.  Hopefully I'll get that early next week...and my id badge that lets me into the building.  Until then, I'm on Launch Player and it keeps crapping out because of the heavy resource use on the network.

I should be getting into my evening YM setup SOON.  Now that I'm on my set schedule, I should be able to get online.  We *looks pointedly at Bum* need to figure out when is a good time for us to try and chat.

Of personal interest - I will most certainly go see OotP.  I'm even somewhat excited about it now.  Mostly because Emma looks too pretty for words.  Seriously, she's just lovely in the new photos and trailer.  Yeah I know she's 16.  She's a Brit.  What's your point?  Since I will be going to see Order, I've decided I must reread it now.  I'll be reading my lovely UK Children's Edition because, frankly, it's cooler than the US edtion.  Yeah I got the Children's Edition...the cover art is nicer.  So I've got to fit that monster in before July 13.  I think I can manage that.  Maybe I'm even a wee bit excited about it.  Oh yeah, DH comes out on July 21 so I'll then crash through it.  Better be a far sight better than HBP or the whole series will be ruined for me.  So that'll be a midnight showing of OotP and a midnight release party for DH that Al and I will be attending in July.  Should be entertaining. 

Um, update on Burst Angel - finally finished the series and I must say, Jo and Meg seem so close to canon for me.  The last couple of episodes focus on their relationship pretty heavily and it's OBVIOUS that Meg cares so much for Jo.  She talked about them going away and living a happy, peaceful life together...just the two of them.  Oh yeah, she totally meant just as good friends.  And Jo, when she wouldn't let Meg come with her on the suicide mission.  Damn.  The actual end was a bit anti-climatic and set me up for another series that I just don't know if I'll get.  The OVA did have a trailer for what COULD be the next series but it could also just be a lame ass teaser.  Still, it was pretty wicked awesome girl action anime.  I'm so thrilled I found it.  Now we've started on Gunslinger Girl.  Just two eps in but it's quite the intrigue.  

Uh, the Rangers got CRUSHED by the Sabres last night, 5 - 2.  It was ugly.  Three goals in the span of like 5 minutes in the 2nd period.  Maybe Friday will be better.  I didn't think we'd win last night...but I also didn't think Lundqvist would give up 5 goals.  We'll see what happens on Friday.  At least we'll get to go home for the 3rd and 4th games.  We may really need that advantage if we get knocked up again on Friday.

I think that's all.  I don't want to talk about Bianca, or AMC, or BAM until after I've read the recap for today's show.  It's Eden's last one and I want to actually know FOR SURE how they send her off before I even consider discussing it.  I'm sure I'll edit with a rant later this afternoon.  Until then, I'll enjoy the "Resource Busy" free time I've got here at work.  Gotta love the system crashing and still having inet!

EDIT - So here are my couple of comments on Eden's last AMC show.

1.  It's over!

2.  Maggie and Bianca can now live in the safety of my head and the heads of others who love them and will take care of them.

3.  Her exit was very anti-climatic.  Miranda showed up, she said au revoir, and Zoe, Erica, Miranda, and Bianca walked off together.  That was it.  And no, they didn't send Zoe and Bianca out in a coupley way.

4.  Eden was wearing oh so "thud worthy" jeans today.  It's terribly sad that she grew more and more lovely the closer to her exit it got.

5.  Fanfic...here I come!  - END EDIT

EDIT PART DEUX - Ooo!  I now have like...10 or so more avies than I did a couple of hours ago.  Finally got my sports avs up...  - END EDIT

So I think I'm going to close the book on Bianca.  Hand me the brick and the trash bag.  I think I'm just going to drop her in the Atlantic.  Today, she and Zoe conspired, all giggly and middle school-like to spend lots of time together in London and Paris.  Bianca wants to take Zoe to all her favorite Parisian haunts.  They are going to see each other, blah blah blah.  Drivel.  Brick.  Trash bag.  Maggie, please for the love of cake, go fuck a lovely Parisian chick because Bianca doesn't deserve you.   You are a hot hot chick.  Go find someone who will love you, appreciate you, not take you for granted, and not run at the first sign of trouble.  You deserve it.  And if you see podBianca and Zoe out and about in Paris, feel free to flaunt your new, totally hot, girlfriend.  Gratuitous acts aren't frowned upon nearly so much in France...

However, now that I've gotten that out of my system, I do plan to fix this.  I actually feel quite inspired to write fanfic again.  My plan is quite grand in scale and scope.  None of my ships worked out.  None of them.  I'm going to fix it.  I'm going to write a story for each of them that ends happily if it KILLS me...and it might.  I love angst and honestly, I don't know that all of them would work out in the end.  But I'm going to find a way to make it so.  These girls deserve a chance at happiness and since their original writers fucked it all to hell (or never even gave them a shot) I'm going to do it.  I'm not saying I plan to write fluff.  I don't write fluff.  There will be angst and tons of it.  I can't very well fix the mess of Bianca and Maggie I've been left with without it.  And Buffy and Faith?  Without angst?  And violence?  Yeah right.  And Sam and Brooke?  Dear god that will be ugly and painful.  As to Spencer and Ashley...I don't even know.  That book isn't closed yet.  I need to get back to that fic.  I don't know though...I'm pretty sure it might not end happily.  I need to think about it.  I guess that's the thing.  When I think about all my ships, I don't honestly know that all of them would be endgame for each other.  Bianca and Maggie, I feel completely 100% certain they are endgame.  Honestly, Buffy and Faith, if they ever figure it out, would probably be endgame.  Sam and Brooke, I love these girls.  I think they could make it work once they got past their own issues.  Spencer and Ashley, I think I've let the second season jade me.  And they are so fucking young ya know?  It's hard to know what would happen when they went off to uni or whatever.  I know, I know...Sam and Brooke were in high school too.  But they were so well developed.  Honestly I think they could make it work because both parties would really want it in the end.  I'm not sure about Spencer and Ashley.  I just don't know them well enough as characters.  Well, that's not quite true.  I thought I knew them pretty well, then the writers completely changed everything in season two.

But there's the grand plan.  Fix the mess with fiction.  Someone is getting a happy ending damn it!  And maybe, after I fix my big four, I'll work on Kaylee and Inara.  Lots of potential there.  And Jo and Meg...really, don't even get me started.  It's so strange that I want to make people happy.  I really have gotten soft...but angst damn it!  There will be lots of it before there is happiness.

So I guess...I'll post my work here maybe.  I need to do character analysis and figure out where all my girls are now and where I want them to head.  I actually started this last night with Buffy and Faith.  I can't write them if I don't know them.  Buffy and Faith, I think I know them fairly well.  But Joss is adding to the canon with the season 8 comics so who knows what will happen.  One thing about me, I do like to stay within canon as much as possible unless I'm writting a complete AU.  But I'll post my character and relationship analysis here.  Could be interesting...maybe.

or early...depending on your definition.  Yeah I know, it isn't really THAT late.  Hell, it's not even late for me.  For a weekend, this is still early.  I'll probably be up until at least 3, who knows.  Of course I'll probably sleep until noon.  Isn't that the point of weekends?

So what brings me to my LJ at 1:36 you ask?  Well, you probably don't ask.  You didn't even know what time it was did you?  Well, now you do.  Honestly, I'm sure at some point my plan was to be philosophical but I'm past that.  My head aches, my back is cramping up, the excedrin and the beer are having a weird reaction I think.  I know that like two hours ago I wanted to talk about Garden State and the definition of home and finding true love.  I'm not sure I have that in me now.  After reading some fic, watching a couple eps of Gilgamesh, and taking a shower, my brain has moved on to other things.  What those other things are exactly...I don't know.

I think maybe I want to be a cop.  Yeah, it's an odd thing for me to say.  I want to do something to help people.  I want to make the world a better place.  It's not the first time I've considered it.  I'm sure it  won't be the last.  Honestly, the only thing stopping me right now is the fucking odd hours.  Working nights, weekends, holidays.  Not having a set schedule.  I like going to bed with my girl.   Okay so yeah, I'm not in bed with her right now...but I'm here.  I can see her.  And someday, if we have kids, I want to be here to tuck them in at night, to read them stories.  I'll think about it.  Obviously, it's not something to do without forethought.  I could totally see myself being a cop though.  I dunno.  There are numerous moral issues to consider here.  But I never wanted to be a person that wrote law.  Yeah, that was a thought from a whole other conversation that just occurred in my head.  Wasn't putting it all up here.  I guess, the gist, some laws that I'd have to enforce I might not agree with.  But the chance to do some real good...and the fact that I honestly believe I could...it's saying something.  Still, strange.

Or PT.  Yeah, not even remotely similar.  I know.  I don't really want to go back to school and I'd have to.  And I'd just want to work with kids.  I dunno.  I keep saying that.  More than anything, I want to help people in some real way.  I keep saying I think I could have a job that just made money and that'd be okay...but that's bullshit.  I wouldn't be okay.  I've always wanted my job to matter, to make a difference in the world.  I always will.  If I could afford not to work and just to volunteer at like rape crisis centers and homeless shelters and what not, I would.  I can't afford to do that so I want my job to be one that helps people.  I don't want to be a doctor.  Never have.  I don't want to be a lawyer...just not really my thing.  Firefighter...can't really see that.  Teacher...NO.  Jesus, if I didn't have my girl, I'd probably be in Nigeria with the Peace Corps or something.  I seriously considered it during University.  I know, I'll figure this out.  I'm not stressed about it, just thinking on the page.  Right now, I'm just hoping I get that damn phone call telling me I got the job at Womble.  Otherwise, I'm going to feel like a fucking loser.  And I'm going to be in a bit of a bind job-wise.

Oh, Friday's AMC.  Bianca talked to Josh about Zoe.  She was all about not quitting just because things got hard, not giving up and walking away because things were difficult.  Well, that's interesting considering it's exactly what she did with Maggie.  Methinks the lady doth protest too much...Really, I don't know what to think about Bianca anymore.  I don't know if she's even going to consider Maggie when she goes to Paris.  I have NO IDEA.  I've already decided to move back into fanfic.  It's happy there.  I know the Bianca in my fanfic.  I like her.  Once Eden leaves, I'll love Bianca again.  And maybe, I'll have some hope that the AMC Bianca will end up with Maggie again eventually...who knows.

Now, I think I'm going to listen to some music or watch some old BAM scenes or read some more fic.  I dunno.  I'm not sleepy yet but my brain isn't functioning at it's highest level.  I leave you with this slightly funny image/idea from my brain about the current state of Bianca...

- I want to hit her in the head with a brick, stuff her in a garbage bag, and leave her outside Maggie's front door with a note that says "Caution, damaged goods...but she promises not to give up even if things get hard."

EDIT - Right, so I just remembered that our US Women's National Team...dear god that's a lot to type...played Mexico today.  Why I never fucking know these things is beyond me.  Really it is.  I LOVE soccer.  I ADORE it.  It's my favorite sport by far.  I love our girls.  I love my girls even more.  So why do I never know when the national team is playing?  I need to make a schedule...calendar...something.  Anyway, we crushed Mexico.  Crushed.  5-0.  Coach Ryan is trying to figure out who to take to World Cup.  I get this.  I understand why he's playing different line-ups and bringing in new girls.  But for fucks sake, why isn't Heather starting?  She's Heather.  He's loved Heather.  He's always brought her.  She's started a lot.  Abby loves her, can't say enough about her.  Abby always starts if she's there.  Why the fuck has he moved Tarp up top?  She doesn't have Heather's speed or Heather's feet.  She doesn't play as well with Abby.  I love Tarp, don't get me wrong.  She's one of my girls.  But Heather IS my girl.  Hell, she's THE girl.  And who the fuck are these new kids?  Where'd they come from?  Why are they here? What was so wrong with our line-up before?  Bah.  No Kai Kai?!  Are you serious?  I'm SO ready for World Cup.  I want a settled roster.  I want to know who's going to be there.  Seriously.  Better fucking be Heather... - END EDIT

So it seems that every day my purpose at work is to survive until 1 when I can start reading the play by play of today's AMC.  Will totally change once the 27th gets here and Eden leaves but until then, I'm waiting on explanations and perhaps a miracle.  So yeah, it will be my entertainment focus until the 27th.  After that...who knows. 

Well, they did indeed cliff me. 

Fucking bastards.

I don't even know what to think right now.  Just reading the play by play.  God I want to kiss Kendall.  She's the ONLY voice of reason.  Well Lily is also a voice of reason but she wasn't petitioning for Bianca's sanity the whole episode so I only want to kiss Kendall.  Kendall thinks Zoe is a rebound.  Rebound from who you might ask?  Maggie.  Dear god did Kendall talk about Maggie today?  Kendall "Maggie is a slutty lesbian who will never be good enough for my sister and can eat poisoned pancakes" Hart talked about Maggie today.  At least SOMEONE understands what the hell is going on with Bianca.  One lousy person in this whole fucking town gets it.  Even Zach is on Zoe's side.  I don't get it.  Kendall just wants her sister to be happy, to be okay.  She's quite obviously NOT okay.  She's about to proposition a PRE-OP male for sex.  She's NOT okay.  Bianca just kept going on about taking care of Zoe's needs and Zoe's wants.  She went on about not taking Zoe for granted.  When the hell has she taken Zoe for granted?  What does this sound like to me?  Displacement.  Bianca didn't care about Maggie's needs.  Bianca didn't care about Maggie's wants.  She CERTAINLY and REPEATEDLY took Maggie for granted.  I'm willing to bet that she took her for granted in Paris and, once again, Maggie felt like second-best, like a placeholder.  What would this make Maggie do?  Run like hell.  And now, Bianca gets it.  I think maybe she's always understood with near perfect clarity what happened.  She's as much to blame as Maggie, and it's killing her.  But has she addressed it?  Has she dealt with it?  Has she talked to ANYONE, let alone Maggie about it?  Nope.  She's buried it because it hurts too damn much.  Maggie was her end game.  I've never been more sure of anything in my life.  And Bianca let her get away.  Bit by bit.  And she knows it.

Thus, we find ourselves here.  Bianca and Zoe on a damn boat during a thunder storm (that Bianca is magically no longer afraid of) about to find themselves in the bedroom.  I know what the spoilers say about what happens next and I'm sure that Zoe won't actually let Bianca go through with this BUT Bianca WANTS to.  I mean, I don't believe she is thinking clearly AT ALL.  I don't think Bianca Christine Montgomery wants to sleep with anyone but Maggie.  But podBianca, hurt Bianca, rebounding Bianca...maybe Zoe seems safe.  Maybe Bianca is really on the edge of a breakdown.  I honestly think she has to be if she's even considering this.  Come on.  It just looks all to much like Maggie and Johnny Boy.  At least we know how that turned out...

All that said, I've honestly just decided that I think what happens next is SO INCREDIBLY important.  Just hearing Bianca go on about needs and wants and not taking for granted was HUGE to me.  Cut that with Kendall talking about Zoe as a rebound from Maggie.  I can't think anything else.  I don't even think I'm being optimistic here.  I feel like I'm being bashed over the head with the information and I didn't even watch the scenes.  And Kendall, god I love Kendall.  I can't wait for Donna's transcript because I want to read all this stuff.  Really process it and get the timing straight.  I know this. Kendall asked Zach where the person was who could make her sister happy.  Then she asked him to send Bianca to Paris.  That's it.  That's all I've got until Donna gets the transcript up.

is forthcoming.

Yeah, I had this awesome moment of pure brilliance yesterday afternoon about the nightmarish storyline AMC is tossing us about Bianca right now.  It involves the scary parallelism that can be drawn between Bianca's relationship with Freddy/Zarf/Zoe/ Manynames and Maggie's relationship with Johnny Boy.  A lot of BAMmers have been talking about it but I didn't really see it...until yesterday.  A particular turn of phrase people have been using with reguards to this week's spoilers really caught my attention.  It led me to really look at Maggie's relationship with Tumor Boy and Bianca's relationship with FZZ and I've come to realize that there are SO many commonalities.  Too many perhaps to be overlooked.  But alas, I haven't had time to shape up this entry so it's going to have to wait.  It's a complicated story to begin and I've got pictures.  I might as well use them.  So it's coming...just not yet.  But it'll blow your mind once it's ready...yeah.

In other, but not unrelated news (I know, this is like all I write about now.  It'll change.  You know it will.) new spoilers popped up today for next weeks shows.  A few of interest:

- Zoe and Bianca aren’t sure what their relationship will be like but agree that they want to explore something together.

- Zoe tells Erica she’s heading back to London and agrees to appear on New Beginnings.

 - Zach is amused when Bianca states her desire to return to her life in Paris.

Yes, I have chosen to emphasize particular words because I find them important or, at the very least, intriguing.  Even with all the tripe I know we are going to have to deal with before they leave on the 26th, Zoe and Bianca are going their seperate ways when they leave.  Exploring something together is about as vague as it can get.  It could be anything.  But with Zoe in London and Bianca in Paris, well I'm not seeing a romantic relationship here.  Just my guess.  Zoe is going back to London.  She could just as easily have gone to Paris with Bianca.  She's got money, Bianca's got money.  Bianca could have gone to London with Zoe.  Same logic as before.  But they are going to different countries.  I realize the countries aren't that far apart but still...see the previous points. 

As to Bianca, she wants to get back to her LIFE in Paris.  Yes I realize she is talking to Zach, owner of Cambius Industries.  Yes I understand that she would have to talk to him to get her old job back.  I assume she wants her old job back.  But the word used was LIFE, not job.  LIFE.  She had a life in Paris.  She and Miranda...and Maggie.  True, we have NO IDEA what else she had there.  Friends, favorite restaurants, favorite haunts.  But her life in Paris was all about her family, and that was Miranda and Maggie.  She left that behind when she tucked tail and ran back home when things with Maggie didn't turn out perfectly (yeah I know Maggie cheated but Bianca just bailed without so much as an argument, a question.)  Maybe I shouldn't be overly optimistic.  Maybe I'm just asking for another kick in the gut.  But I have to think it all means something.  If, right at this moment, Bianca is over the moon for Zoe and just next week she's ready to go back to Paris...what does that say?  I know, I know.  Bianca is a MESS.  Right now, she doesn't deserve Maggie.  She doesn't know who the hell...well lookie at more parallelism.  *biggrin*  Bianca doesn't know who the hell she is right now.  She doesn't know what she wants.  She doesn't know anything.  Just like Maggie after Johnny Boy.  Jesus, it's like we're coming full circle.  Right back where we left off in Feb of 2005.  Only this time, Maggie is the one who's sure of herself, sure of what (and who) she wants.  Bianca is the complete basketcase with no idea who she is.  And now she's going back to Paris.  This is TOO funny.  But if we're right back where we left off two years ago, what was the point of all this again?

So...I'm still on the OT.  Eden said Paris.  The spoilers are delivering Paris, a life in Paris.  I know she's leaving and Bianca has to go somewhere but...it could just as easily be London with Zoe.  I know, I know.  Everyone always goes to Paris.  But she's going back to her life in Paris damnit!  Her life...le sigh

I should be working.  I know it.  I was working.  I've been working all morning.  But then I talked to Karen to let her know that I'd probably be leaving soon for another job.  I needed a break.  I checked the BAM board...like I always do.  I decided to read the RIP Bianca thread.  I'd resisted until now.

Be warned that what follows is a long, rambling rabbit trail that deals with the character of Bianca Montgomery and nothing else.  I'm discussing her importance as a character and role model and what the loss of said character means.  I'm angry and frustrated but I don't think I swore a single time...don't hold me to that though...Finally, this is me angry and frustrated.  It's typed as it's thought.  It's not eloquent  well developed.  At a later date, after this nightmare is finally over, I may rework this into something more fitting.  For now, read at your own risk...

So my weekend officially began Thursday.  I had an interview about a Document Reviewer position at Womble.  Yeah, the job is about as interesting as the title makes it sound.  Still, it's a job...with full benefits.  Good benefits.  $12 an hour pay...not great but certainly better than what I'd get working at Borders.  I'm looking at losing like...$2700 on the year.  Not NEARLY as bad as I thought it would be.  A bit less tax loss I'm guessing.  So I don't have the job officially yet but so long as my background check is clean...it's pretty much a done deal.  I should know by Friday or next Monday at the latest.  I'd start on the 23rd.  I can work from 6 -2.  I'd like keeping those hours.  Best (and maybe worst) part - I'd be working with Al until she gets the job she really wants. 


The rest of my weekend was nice.  Quiet, calm, relaxing.  The Rangers made the playoffs.  The Yankees mostly sucked.  I started playing Oblivion again.  My computer won't shut off...again.  After I uninstalled and reinstalled Oblivion and installed the expansion.  Of course, there was also a new Windows update.  I'll fight with the fucker over it eventually.  It's not like it's a real problem.  All the processes terminate just fine.  It's like it's just not getting the command to actually shut off.  I figured it out last time...I think.  I'll figure it out again.  For now, it's the hard shut down.

Oblivion...have I've missed you.  I'm trying a new tact this time around...being a good guy.  It's hard.  Not nearly so much fun.  I'm not stealing.  I'm not killing unless I have to.  I'm running stupid errands for people out of the goodness of my heart.  I'm going on pilgrimage.  It's insane.  I get all inspired by one fanfic and suddenly I'm changing my entire gaming life.  Being the good guy...sucks.  I'm not getting the girl for this.  I'm getting no girls for this.  Hell, I'm not even getting knighted or, or...anything.  Bah.

My love for BAM continues.  I've just decided that I'm not giving up until they slam the fucking door in my face after nailing the coffin shut, tossing it into the fire, and dousing the remaining ashes with nitric acid.  I'm clinging to ANY shred of hope that Eden (and my fellow BAMmers) give me that they aren't over.  Stories and mentions just KEEP popping up.  Just this weekend in one of the mags...another mention by Eden about Liz and BAM.  Maybe it's all just a ruse to keep us hanging in, hoping against hope.  After all, other sources keep saying that Bianca and Zoe are leaving Pine Valley "together" on the 26th.  Still, everyone says that Eden has always been incredibly careful about what she says in interviews...and she's mentioned Paris...and now BAM specifically.  What's a girl to think?  I just know that these next two weeks are going to be hell.  Absolute hell.  Binks as Zoe's secret admirer...this is just...argh.  Binks talking about love at first sight...when Zoe was still Zarf and Binks had NO IDEA that he was even thinking trans.  I don't know how AMC can save Bianca now but I still HAVE to hope.  Everyone else still does...

So, I'm holding out for a new job.  Working with new life on my present one.  Hoping against hope that Bianca goes back to Paris...and Maggie on the 26th.  Hoping that being a member of the Dark Brotherhood will help me maintain my otherwise clean sheet in Oblivion without TOO MUCH frustration.  Hoping that a few of my authors will update their damn fics!  I know, I know.  I left mine after two chapters.  I haven't forgotten her I swear.  I think, after the 26th, I'll go back to the Spashley board.  Maybe pick up my fic again.  Maybe even start over with Harry. Try to get back into the Potter magic.

Don't hold your breath though...

about today is that the BAM board is back up.

So...confirmation that Eden is actually leaving...on April 26...the same day as Jeffrey.  Yes, it came from her.  She's ready to go home to LA.  Said she wouldn't turn down a return offer.  Said PARIS is just a plane flight away...well isn't that interesting?  I have NO IDEA what that means...and I DON'T want to get my hopes up...but maybe...

Also, another women's collegiate basketball season has come and gone for me.  Yes, our season ended last night...just like last year.  Tossed in the Final Four game.  So what is there to say?  A few numbers for you...


One last word about basketball:  Go Rutgers!  If we can graduate Candice Parker without a title...I'll be thrilled.

Finally, the weekend...sports filled.  Soccer, in which Liverpool thumped Arsenal 4-1 and retook third place in the EPL.  The Rangers are still in 6th in the East with only 6 games left before playoffs.  Opening night was...eh.  The Yanks are playing at 1 today...Carl is starting.

I bought like 8 fantasy novels.  I'm so excited!  My new BAM fic renewed my love of the fantasy genre...well, it more reminded me how much I love it and missed it.  Thus, I purchased my books.  George R. R. Martin, Robin Hobb, Kate Elliott, Greg Keyes, Robert Jordan (yes, I'm trying again), Mercedes Lackey (I know, I know...), J. V. Jones, and Lian Hearn.  Squee!

Now I'm off to catch up on updating BAM fic since the board is back...and then...work.

EDIT - So I was right, I didn't get the job at Davis.  Internal hire.  And my mom with the guilt trips.  "Taking care of your grandmother is exhausting, taxing, painful, hard.  We could use your help to clean some and to take care of her so we can get away.  She keeps asking about you."  Le sigh.  _END EDIT

I have determined that my timing SUCKS. 

I loved Buffy...I still do.  But season four...not that great.  Season five...eh.  Now, I LOVE season five.  LOVE.  Originally...I got bored with it.  I hated Riley.  I didn't like the Dawn storyline.  So I stopped watching.  One of my greatest shames...Anyway, I come back for the musical episode of season six...just in time for everything to go to hell.  Seriously.  Buffy ends up in this horrific relationship with Spike.  Willow is falling into dark magicks.  Tara is concerned for her and gets treated like SHIT.  Xander and Anya are falling apart.  Timing sucked.  I got like half a ep total of happy Willow and Tara and then BAM...dead Tara.  Timing sucked.

I discover the L Word.  I get the first season on DVD...fall in love with Bette and Tina.  Fall in love with Dana and Lara.  Get Showtime for season 2....when everything falls apart.  Bette and Tina...well that was a nightmare.  Lara's gone.   Timing sucked.

I discover South of Nowhere.  More appropriately, I discover Spashley.  I buy the first season on ITunes.  I fall in love with Spencer and Ashley.  God those girls killed.  I get absorbed into the world of Spash.  I'm thrilled about season 2.  The first 3 minutes of the first episode were heaven.  PERFECT.  Almost everything after was just sliding, spinning, rolling, rushing downhill.  Occasionally there were decent moments for Spencer and Ashley but NOTHING like the first season.  Timing sucked.

Now, I've discovered BAM.  Honestly, they might be my favorite les couple...and that's saying A LOT.  Maggie is most definately one of my favorite characters EVER.  And Maggie with Bianca...god.  Anyway, I managed to climb onboard the OT after Liz's INCREDIBLY short lived return to AMC from Jan 15 - Feb 6.  I never even got to see them on TV.  Five years of being best friends, of being in love with each other and fighting it, denying it, hiding it, seeing other people, admitting it, running from it, admitting it some more...gah.  Finally, they leave the show, head off to Paris and "explode."  We never actually got to see them as a couple on TV.  We got three, count them three, kisses total and one was after they were already seperated.  Anyway, Bianca comes back from Paris without Maggie because Maggie cheated...(I refuse to even start on how horrifically McT fucked up Maggie's chararacter and how fucked up Bianca's character remains.)  Then the crack staff at AMC got Liz to agree to come back for a brief stint during Feb Sweeps to help the shows slumping ratings (which it did, by the way.)  BAH.  Bianca sent Maggie packing back to Paris (even though she swore she still loved her) and the rest is history.  Well, everyone has tried to remain opptimistic.  Lots of things made many people think that Liz might come back.  Today  apparently, SOW includes a story that says Eden is leaving the show.  I never even got to watch Eden and Liz interact on TV.  I came in after everything was already completely trashed...and now it appears as though it may remain that way.   Timing SUCKS.

I REFUSE to fall off the OT.  Right now, with how fucked up Bianca's character has become, I want Eden to get out.  I certainly don't want Liz to come back while everything is so messed up.  AMC needs a new headwriter and a new direction.  IF Eden isn't actually leaving and IF the writing staff can fix Bianca THEN I would LOVE for Liz to come back (so long as they weren't just using her as a rating ploy again.)  I'm not giving up hope.  I've lost like every single les couple I've loved.  Hell, I don't think I've actually had a single couple I ever loved work out.  But I refuse to give up on BAM until I KNOW for certain that Eden is out and Liz isn't coming back.  Then I'll just love them through fanfic like I've done with every other ship.  All that said though...my timing still SUCKS.