Snipits and Tidbits

Well, it's Friday

Fri, 16 May 2008 13:45:10 GMT

Closing in. It's all that I want in the whole world.

Well, I've finished Gakuen Utopia Manabi Straight! and Mai-Otome in the time I've been away. We're watching ROD the TV now. Anita-chan and Hisa-chan are LOVE!

It's grey today and raining off and on. Lovely weather to go watch a W League game...but our girls are playing so it's ok. Noguiera, Anna, and the Ster! Good times, good times. God I love my blue...

Saturday is our three year anniversary! Do we have plans? Uh...we're cooking together which is major because I DON'T cook. Otherwise, I think it's just spending the day together. We don't really need to do anything super special because it's always special with her...uh...yes...well... Seriously though, three years, who would've thought? Certainly not me. I've never been one for commitment. Doesn't seem like three years though and I've never been happier than I am right now. It's a crazy world right? No one's supposed to get this lucky, certainly not me. Sometimes I still can't believe it. How she puts up with me, how well we actually work, how different we manage to be and yet...you know...only love. So yeah, three years and everything has been worth it and will continue to be so long as I get to stay by her side.

I love you.

Also, today is Comic Book day! I have no idea what's in our box...

Capping this weekend. I must start to tackle HiME and Otome. God the agony...but I have six new avs already for my trouble! And I'll be working on a Kuga/Kruger mood theme so...Also, must snag something from Blue Drop...so pretty! And Mari and Hagino...oh angst.

Finally point, Imogen Heap is LOVE. Closing In, Clear the Area, and The Walk are just a few of the pieces of lyrical (and musical) genius on Speak for Yourself. I know I'm painfully behind but you know me and my love of the endless looping of the few songs I know I adore (read as Hide and Seek)...Finally having listened to the whole album, it is fantastic! Seriously.

And now...HOME! As the 4 working hours of Friday are almost over!

They Don't Know I Burn...

Sat, 03 May 2008 05:07:13 GMT

The weekend...thank god.

Next week I'll be back on a normal schedule with my normal hours. No more 10 hour days...

I finished Strawberry Panic. Shocking I know. I'm currently watching Gakuen Utopia Manabi Straight! (with Al), Strawberry Marshmallow, Yami to Boshi to Hon no Tabibito, and Mai-Otome (with Al.) All for the first time...sort of. I've watched them all partially before. I'd really like to manage to finish them this time around. I'm also re-watching Maria-sama ga Miteru. It's coming out in box in July! I never thought that would happen.

Got GTA IV. It is GORGEOUS. Not like I've played much of the story. Just running around enjoying Liberty City a bit. And it looks ever better on the new Sony Bravia. Oh TV, how long I've wanted you...Borrowed Persona3. *Shrugs* What, I haven't even looked at it yet...

Writing is a bitch right now because I'm so far from the Spash space. If I could write in one of my animated worlds I would but that simply eludes me. Have I tried? Well...no. But I could never get Shizuru right. Oh Fujino-san, I have quite the crush. Surprisingly, my weekly drabble last week was super easy though. I haven't written this week but I already know what I'm going to tackle. It's odd. Things still come to me in bits and pieces. September is so fucking far away...

Comics are love. Truly. Rogue Angel, Madame Mirage, Neozoic, The Programme, Resurrection, and yes I am reading the Buffy Season 8 comics as well. Buffy...sleeping with a girl...DUH. Did everyone else just miss the sexual tension with Faith...

And yes, we really are learning Japanese...

Also, Michelle Trachtenburg was on GG??? God why am I so behind...even if I mostly loathed her on Buffy...

OH! Last thing I swear...Al's ring and my ring (and yes, that little picture actually has my text on it) if anyone is interested.

Because clearly...

Thu, 24 Apr 2008 10:57:56 GMT

So, two things I've discovered this week that made me feel, at the very least, slow and quite possibly stupid.

1. I have this uber awesome vid software that makes capping super easy. I've had it for over a year. Why am I just now realizing that I can actually use it to cap things? Well, at least I have new avs for my trouble...

2. The 360 can play avi files. All those episodes of anime that we've been lugging chairs in front of one of our desks to watch...Well, it's all updated and playing them as of last night and, can I say, they look oh so pretty.

Also, this weekend my parents are coming up on Saturday and we're doing dinner. Then Sunday, Al and I (because she is awesome and got amazing tickets) are going to see our new and improved US Women's National Team take on Australia in Cary. Please please please Pia, for the love of everything holy, start my girls. Please?

Now, the cause of my complete spazziness today: Al's ring is getting here tomorrow! It was very sudden. Like, nothing for weeks and then an email saying it'd be here by 10:30 tommorrow morning. Mine's been here for like a week so I was very anxious for hers to arrive.

Oh, we're also learning Japanese. Anime is a serious hobby for us so it seemed worth it to learn the language, both spoken and written. So far I know a few words and phrases. We haven't even started learning the Kana yet and certainly not the Kanji. We're starting that this coming week...along with getting more materials.

Finally, I'm on a new project at work which SUCKS. Why is not really important. All that matters is that it SUCKS. Training was Monday and we've been working late this week so we can leave at 8 tomorrow morning (which is now doubly good as I have to be there to sign for Al's ring.)

Wait, one more thing. So my resolution this year is to actually write one full length story, start to finish. Surprisingly, I have a lot of ideas to fill out the basic plot line I already had. But I've distracted myself and writing on Spencer and Ashley is quite hard when my focus is elsewhere. I honestly don't know what to do about it. South isn't coming back until September and I really need to get into it before then. Still, we all know how well forcing myself to work goes. I completely block myself out. I think, perhaps, I need to go back to my drabbles, remember why I love these girls so much. Maybe even watch some Season 1. I don't know when honestly as we're watching Mai-Otome now. But I have to keep prodding myself about it. I drabble in the universe every week. I pose questions to myself about the girls in the story. I don't know. There's just so much else in my brain right now...

Here, There, and Everywhere

Fri, 18 Apr 2008 12:05:25 GMT

Ok mostly just not sitting in front of my computer...

My back is finally kinda sorta better. So hopefully I'll be around this weekend some. If it rains, for sure I'll be in. If it's warm and sunny, well I can't say for sure.

But things, I have done things.

We watched all 26 episodes of El Cazador de la bruja. Nadie is my new hero. Just a normal girl, no super powers, who's willing to give her life to protect the girl she'll realize she's in love with. It was the character development that made this series. It wasn't Noir. Nothing will ever be Noir. It was lighter, fluffier, more relaxed, more character and less plot driven. It wasn't better than Noir. Noir will always be one of my absolute favorites. But it was different in a very good way. A lot of people found this series dull. It was slower to be sure. There was less action. Much more of a focus on detailing the main characters, on developing the relationship between Nadie and Ellis. And that is what made it so good to me. Often, character development takes a backseat and if you know me, you know that character development is what matters most to me. That and the ending...Nadie and Ellis. You have to see it to get it.

We also watched Blue Drop which is gorgeous and sad. It was also slower. More character episodes, not that much action. But Hagino...I really did love her. Mari drove me nuts, until nearly halfway through the 13 episode series. But there was a nice bit at the end. It really is gorgeous animation though. It's a bit harder to get through as it is heavy. It's hard to explain. It's not heavy like death and destruction and the world is always ending. It's just gloomy, like you know this cannot come to good.

And now we've returned to Mai-HiME. In which I remember, yet again, that there isn't enough Natsuki and not nearly enough Shizuru. Oh come on, you knew I only really loved the ShizNat. Speaking of ShizNat though, I finally found someone who can write them in-character and it not be either horribly stilted or just poorly written. And she can write them in verse or AU. And thus, I offer you the two stories I am reading now, both in progress but both still being updated: The Endless and Inter Nos. If you like the HiME/Otome characters, and certainly if you like Shizuru/Natsuki, these are worth your time. The Endless is a Sandman/HiME cross that is truly intriguing. However, you don't have to know Neil Gaiman's work to appreciate it. Inter Nos is set in the time of Ancient Rome, in which Hime is Rome. That you really just have to read. But the characters are perfect. They are spot-on in-character. That's all that should really matter outside of how well written these stories are.

And now that I've gotten carried away...the whole point was to say that I'm back and will probably be around this weekend. I have to get to work on my girl...that I haven't talked about...but that I actually have a pretty good outline for. Yes, yes she is a Spash story...

As a Reminder

Thu, 03 Apr 2008 12:49:39 GMT

This is just for me, so I don't forget...again.

BTVS

Buffy/Faith
Buffy/Willow
Willow/Tara

SoN

Spencer/Ashley

Popular

Sam/Brooke

HP

Ginny/Hermione

Firefly

Kaylee/Inara

AMC

Maggie/Bianca

Gossip Girl

Serena/Blair

FNL

Tyra/Lyla

Heroes

Claire/Elle

Veronica Mars

Veronica/Mac

Big Love

Sara/Heather

Once and Again

Katie/Jessie

Noir

Kirika/Mireille

Burst Angel

Jo/Meg

Maria-sama ga Miteru

Yumi/Sachiko

Mai-HiME

Shizuru/Natsuki

Kiddy Grade

Eclair/Lumiere

Strawberry Panic

Nagisa/Shizuma
Amane/Hikari

El Cazador de la bruja

Nadie/Ellis

Blue Drop

Hagino/Mari

McPherson/Mars 08

Tue, 01 Apr 2008 12:41:47 GMT

Seriously.

McPherson/Mars 08

or

Granger/Rosenberg 08

Just think about it.

(If you know, you know.)

This is what happens when I watch way too much West Wing

Fri, 28 Mar 2008 12:03:52 GMT

"Now, America's just another broke ex-superpower looking for a handout and wondering why."

I was trying to remember this quote for hours yesterday while watching The West Wing and pondering our current political climate. Honestly, I think Max got it right. Someday, we're going to be just like everyone else who ever tried to rule the world. I don't know when. I don't really want to speculate on how. But almost every day something else happens to shore up the belief that we're living on borrowed time. That we can only overstep our bounds but so much more.

I don't want to talk politics or policy. I don't want to delve into wars and the erosion of freedoms. I don't want to lay out specific human rights violations or discuss crumbling economies. Some things shouldn't be partisan. Some things should be obviously wrong or obviously right.

Everyone gets some things right and everyone gets some things wrong. But really, we get a lot of things wrong. Whether it's intentional, whether it's done with the best of intentions, whether it's done with indifference. We get a lot of things wrong. It's all these things we get wrong, that we keep getting wrong, that we repeatedly get wrong, that make me believe it's just a matter of time.

I've always been a realist, oftentimes a pessimist, sometimes even a fatalist. But I'm also a bleeding heart romanticist. I WANT to believe in my country. I WANT to have hope that things can change. I just haven't seen enough yet, not nearly enough. But I still want to. I'm still looking for it, looking for things that make me believe again. And I'll keep trying, keep fighting my pessimism as long as there are still things that make me want to believe.

But I'm still a fatalist about some things...

All I Have

Sun, 23 Mar 2008 03:52:18 GMT

So I don't know where this fits in the time line or even if it does. It's probably some future something. I dunno. I'm not even sure what, if anything, inspired it. I set out to write a drabble and ended up with 886 words. It's a little more than normal. I don't know how I feel about it. I've looked it over, I still don't know how I feel about it. Instead of keeping it and changing phrasings here and there I decided to just post it and be done with it. I promise nothing and I offer little...

"I can't just get over you."

Biting the inside of her lip, she meets Spencer's gaze for the first time since this conversation began.

"I know I'm supposed to. I know I made it seem so easy."

A deep breath, then, quietly.

"That was the biggest lie of my entire life."

Those blue eyes are unreadable and Ashley doesn't know if she can bear another moment of silence.

"The biggest lie? Really?"

Her expression hasn't changed, those blue eyes haven't softened, but Ashley can hear the surprise in her voice.

"Yes. I know. I've lied so many times. How can this possibly top the list? It's what you're thinking right?"

Spencer drops her gaze, shifts from foot to foot.

"Yes," murmured so softly Ashley only knows she's said it because she knows Spencer. Clinching her fist, she fights down the urge to reach out and cup Spencer's chin. To bring those blue eyes back to her.

"I know. The number of lies I've told you alone..."

She bites her lip, blinking hard. Because she remembers, every single time, she remembers. Only now she also understands why every single time mattered. Before it was just convenient. It made life a little easier. What she realizes now is that it only made life easier at the time. Everything after was so much harder.

"I know. It would seem...small maybe. But it's the lie I told myself, the lie I tried to believe, the lie I wanted you to believe. It's the one that I can't ever take back. It's the one that made you think I didn't love you, and maybe...that I never had."

Taking a deep breath, she steels herself, one last thing she has to say.

"But it was never even an option for me. From the moment I met you, when you ran into me and made me spill coffee all over myself, it was never an option."

"What wasn't?"

Spencer's voice startles her and she looks up into shocking blue eyes that steal the words from her lips.

"Uhhh...what?"

For the first time those blue eyes soften. Spencer shakes her head, an almost smile playing at the corners of her lips.

"What wasn't an option?"

It took a moment. Ashley continued to stare, completely lost, and then her eyes widened.

"Oh! Of course..."

Spencer giggled and Ashley smiled and, for a moment, they were 16 again just starting out.

"Getting over you, it was never an option."

But just as quickly, Ashley had broken their nostalgia, whispering the most important thing she would ever say.

"From that very first moment Spence, I was never going to get over you. It's why I came to find you in the gym after school. It's why it took me so long to admit that I wanted you. It's why I fucked everything up again and again. Because I knew that it was always going to be you and that scared me to death."

Sucking in a quick breath, she rushes ahead.

"And I know that makes no sense. I know it. But all my life, everyone has left. They've hurt me and then they've left. And I've never felt for anyone what I feel for you. I was terrified to lose you. Terrified that I would let you in and then you'd leave. And I knew I'd never get over that. I'd never get over you."

Spencer sighs, shaking her head. She takes a step toward Ashley, reaching out to cup her chin and draw her gaze upward.

"So you decided not to let me in at all."

It's not a question. Ashley knows Spencer isn't asking. She already knows that she's right. But she needs to respond anyway, to give her something.

"Yes. I thought that if I never let you in, I wouldn't ever have to lose you."

Quietly, pulling at her pinky.

"How's that working out for you?"

A rueful smile curls Ashley's lips and she looks away.

"Not very well. Not at all actually."

A moment passes between them, neither knowing quite what to say. Finally, Ashley breaks the silence.

"Spence?"

Spencer looks up from her hands.

"Yeah?"

"I'll never get over you."

A deep breath and she continues.

"I know I've lost you and I know it's my fault. I was stupid to think I could have you and not let you in. I was stupid to not let you in when all you ever did was let me in. And I can't expect you to give me yet another chance when all you've given me is chances and all I've given you is regrets. But you should know that I'll never get over you. From that very first moment, I never had a chance."

Another long moment passes and Ashley turns to go.

"Look, I said what I needed you to hear so I'm just going to..."

But she doesn't get to finish her hasty retreat as Spencer's fingers wrap around her forearm and pull her back. Pull her into her. Lips just centimeters apart, they share Spencer's breathed exhalation.

"I never had a chance either."

When they kiss for the first time in months, it isn't newly earth-shattering or axis-tilting. It always has been. Because they never had a choice, and they sure as hell never had a chance. But now at least, they both know that.

Down so long

Sat, 15 Mar 2008 04:09:11 GMT

It's like, where'd she go...

New project at work. Rush. 10 hour days. Not my choosing. It sucks. I'm sure the money will be nice but right now I just want my time back.

It's killing my brain I think. Nothing up there but coding and West Wing which I'm watching like 9 episodes a day of to pass the time. Well, not watching...listening to. Watching implies that I have the time to pop open the WMP screen occasionally and give it a look. I don't. But still, passes the time...

Hopefully just one more week or so of rush. Can't be much longer than that as there is the time press. I know, this makes no sense to anyone not me. I'm just going on a bit is all, feel free to ignore me.

Anyway, it's the first time I've touched my computer in a week. That doesn't seem normal. I'm completely lacking in creativity. I miss my free time where I could think, sit and listen to music, write. I had ideas...really...

But now they are canceling my show anyway...

Gives me plenty of time to catch up on Gossip Girl, FNL, and every single other show I've started and not finished...

Thank god for the weekend. Maybe I can get a little writing in. At least some extra sleep...

Eh

Sat, 01 Mar 2008 06:12:05 GMT

It's more like me. But it's...rushed and unedited because I'm freezing and achy and it's late. And yeah, South being canceled could have affected this a tiny little bit.. I don't know. The first line popped into my head and I just wrote. I never promised any of it would be good. And yeah, it's a very abrupt ending I know.

She thinks she’ll stay, for a minute, maybe two. This last decision, the one that found her here again, in arms she knows so well, was rash. But then again, she’d been thinking about it forever. Thinking about this, about this body, this warmth, this softness every single second since she left.

Another minute won’t hurt. How much more damage could she cause? This wasn’t forever after all. Who finds forever at 17?

It’s foolish really. She knows it. Because she foolishly believed in forever. Believed that this could be forever. Here, in these arms. But it wasn’t. How could it be?

Still, one more minute won’t make any difference. After everything else. After last night. After this morning. One more minute wrapped up in a lie that she never told is nothing. Last night was closure. This morning, goodbye.

Just one more minute. Wrapped up in a lie that she believed. A lie she still wants to believe. But no one finds forever at 17. And after all the lies she’s swallowed, she understands that now. Knows that this girl beside her isn’t forever, and she never promised to be.

Actually, thinking about it now, Spencer can’t recall a single promise that she made.

After all, no one finds forever at 17.

This Is The End

Fri, 29 Feb 2008 14:42:07 GMT

So it's official: today the announcement came that South of Nowhere has been cancelled. They will air the second half of season 3 and then we're over.

Honestly, I don't know how I'll feel when it's all said and done. When we've gotten our last few episodes and the end is really here.

Right now, as a fan who adored this show, I feel hard done by. I don't know precisely where to direct my anger and frustration. I feel strongly that a lot of the blame can be placed squarely on the shoulders of the network. But I cannot guarantee that every single thing that went so horribly wrong over the course of the show is entirely the fault of the network.

I know that I will elaborate later. Make a point by point case of how South lost the plot for me. But I can't right now. I guess all I can say now is that, regardless of the mess, I loved this show. I loved Spencer. I loved the idea of Spencer and Ashley. I loved where I thought Ashley could go. I loved what Kyla was. I loved every single ounce of potential that this show had to be amazing, and groundbreaking, and honest, and real.

I don't ever want to forget that.

So was it worth it?

Every single second.

Victory...victory for Zim!

Sat, 23 Feb 2008 04:19:34 GMT

Finally the nightmare ends! It was a labor of love and now it is finished!

Yes, I have completed my Spash mood theme.

I am very excited.

Sara, you are my hero for all of the awesome avs that you let me use for this girl. Right, so credit on the profile page but here as well in my celebratory post! isawsparkstoo makes the most amazing avs ever! Seriously. I can't, off the top of my head in this most exciting of moments, remember all the fandoms she has avs for, but it's several. So there's that.

Football tomorrow. And hockey. The weekend usual.

Oh, La Vie En Rose is AMAZING. Marion Cotillard gave one of the greatest performances I have ever seen. I mean...just...you MUST see this film. Even if you know nothing about Edith Piaf. Go, rent it or download it from itunes or unbox or something. But go. Now.

The Oscars are this weekend. Really?

Oh the update machine...

Tue, 19 Feb 2008 15:17:44 GMT

First things first, I have finally put a picture to every single mood on the LJ Mood Theme list. This does not mean that I am done. But it does mean that the hardest part is over. Now I just have to go through and make sure I'm happy with my choices and adjust if I'm not. So it's a big deal, even if I'm not done. But by Sunday I am determined to have it loaded and ready to be used.

That has sucked up a great deal of my time. Seriously, hours per weekday. But it will be worth it. No I didn't work on it at all this weekend. I watched soccer and hockey. Same thing I do every weekend because soccer is serious business for me. I watch the BPL games, La Liga games, Serie A games, and Bundesliga games. I follow a lot of teams and just enjoy watching the game. Sure I'm doing other stuff while the games are on, but most of the weekend involves the TV being on. And obviously I cannot focus on my mood theme and ANYTHING else. Great weekend for the Rangers! Horrible weekend for Liverpool. End of story.

Writing...yeah I'm still doing it. Every week. And I keep meaning to type the drabbles up obviously but that hasn't happened yet. I will get to it. But I've got an idea, an actual idea with plans. Something in line with what I'm doing in my drabbles. Filling in the blanks of two and a half seasons of South. And we have A LOT of blanks. So what I'm seriously considering is retelling the story, specifically what started out being Spencer's story. Following the same timeline and remaining within the canon I've been given. But fleshing it out, filling in the holes, addressing issues that were unfinished or that just disappeared. I realize this isn't original. But it's something that matters a great deal to me. I guess it just goes back to my feeling that, somewhere along the way, we lost the plot a bit. But this is a serious idea for me. The first real idea that I've been able to flesh out. So we'll see how it goes.

Also, I'm still shuffling through Roswell and Gossip Girl. I still adore Roswell. I still heart Serena. I like Blair only marginally more than when I thought she was a complete bitch. And sometime this week I'm going to watch La vie En Rose and Paris, Je T'aime.

As a final word, Champions League is back! 4 games today and 4 tomorrow! Awesome! Better if we manage to beat Inter...

Labor of Love

Wed, 13 Feb 2008 19:50:42 GMT

So I've been doing three things really.

Watching Roswell.
Watching Gossip Girl.
Working on my new mood theme.

No seriously. I come home from work, work out and watch either Roswell or Gossip Girl, eat dinner, shower, and sit down to work on the mood theme. I remember now why I got so frustrated last time. 271 pictures and I still feel like I'm lacking. Maybe I should be less picky. I need another icon for either sleepy, groggy, or exhausted. And full. I don't have anything for full. And I really want this one image that I just don't have. If you know the show you'll know the one. When Spencer walks out on Ashley after she's told her she chose her. And the kid is just standing there on the verge of tears and she does this fist clinching thing. Gah. But anyway...

This thing is a bitch. She'll be gorgeous when she's done. And I'll be super proud [not that I actually had to find the pictures this time (Sara, you are my hero!) but the choosing is a nasty business ya know.] So it's like 3+ hours a day.

Oh, just to put it out there. I have been online. I'm covert ya know? ;)

But the real point here is that the damn thing has like taken over my life. I'm determined to finish it by Sunday night. Partly because I want to have it for use and partly so I can't agonize over it anymore.

Also, I need to get the rest of the drabbles typed up. That comes after the mood theme is done though.

I cannot tell you how much I missed Roswell. Oh good times! Max and Liz...how cute are they?

And Gossip Girl. Oh Blake Lively...It's really slick. Perfectly packaged. So far I find Blair to be a bitch. That's a problem I realize and I'm sure once I get further in that will improve. But Serena...so fucking awesome! And Jenny, don't sell out kid.

The first in a long while

Thu, 07 Feb 2008 02:01:01 GMT

So it's not exactly what I want. But it's what I've got at the moment. It's still rough in places. I can't quite wrap it up in the end. For now though, I've done all I can. It's old school. I'm actually working on character development and fleshing out the time line. I know, I know. I've been saying I'll do it forever. Well I actually am now. Somewhat...

"Why don't you want to talk about it," Ashley asks, never looking up from her magazine.

"I told you," Spencer replies, obviously frustrated, "some things are personal. I don't think it's something we should be sharing with the entire world."

Ashley shifts, laying her magazine down on the bed. Rolling over, she looks up at Spencer.

"So don't tell the world. Just tell me." Her brown eyes darken and, after a moment, Spencer drops her gaze to the comforter.

"Why does it matter?"

Ashley sighs. Sitting up, she finds Spencer's eyes again.

"First times matter. They change us. Even if we think they don't. Even if they suck. Even if we don't want to remember them and rush headlong to the second time and the third time and..."

Spencer tilts her head, stares into dark brown eyes.

"But why does my first time matter to you," she whispers, never looking away.

A small smile curls Ashley's lips as she reaches out to tuck a stray blonde strand behind Spencer's ear. Her hand lingers a moment and she holds Spencer's gaze before she responds.

"Because you matter to me."

So I Suck...

Mon, 04 Feb 2008 12:17:38 GMT

Six weeks...

That's impressive even for me.

Holidays, and then I've been sick forever, and a million other things...I suck.   I know.

But I have been writing. Every week.

So where is it?

At home...in my notebook.

Yeah, I'm back to hard copy again. I've been doing it since the start of the new year. Means I've got what...five pieces? Something like that. It's a goal, to write every week. Just short stuff. Especially since I haven't really settled on anything long term. Ideas? Uh...I don't really have any. It's the risk that goes with the reward of spending nine hours of my day listening to talk radio instead of music. The creative flow just gets disrupted. Makes the work day move faster, but I don't devote any time to the girls. Often I don't think the trade off is worth it...

I was supposed to type them up this weekend. Didn't happen. I was supposed to get on my new Spash (mostly Spencer) mood theme. Didn't really happen. I need more avs...I've got like 200 from Sara and I still feel like I'm lacking... Plus, making choices is a real bitch.

Maybe today I'll type them up, if this damn migraine ever goes away. I've had it since like mid-afternoon yesterday. Not normal for me. Usually I treat them and they go away.   Meh.

Lisa, I really really do plan on talking to you weekly. Life always seems to get in the way ya know... Are you around this week? Anytime? Unless I'm dying I should be around. I know, I know, I always say that...but I'm serious this time. Except for today where I plan to go home and crawl into bed...

I really have nothing else to offer at present. I just felt like a loser for not updating for six weeks. I will post my new drabbles. Really. And I am sifting through some vague ideas on a longer piece, sort of, somewhat. Gah I need help!

ETA: Kina Grannis Check this kid out yo.

ETA2: Does anyone know Caitlin Lowe? Did you watch the Super Bowl last night? Did you see her in the Under Armour Commerical and squeal at the TV like I did?

A Slice of Life

Thu, 20 Dec 2007 19:31:36 GMT

Now, for a moment of nostalgia.

Yes, I realize it's not something I do. I don't have much in my past to get nostalgic over. I don't remember much of my past and what I do isn't really worth remembering.

However, there is a specific moment in time that would have a life changing effect on me. It was 1994. When in the year I couldn't say. It was one of the many times we went to visit/help my aunt move. When I was growing up, she lived all over the East Coast. Who can say why. She worked at a ton of different colleges. I never remember a time when she lived here. I think we were in Jersey but it could've been Virgina. I know, how can I confuse the two right? But I don't remember anything about the location just specific details that wouldn't tell me if it was Jersey or Virgina. I went to both and remember, I was like 10.

Anyway, I was riding somewhere with my aunt. Just me and her. I was sitting on one of those god awful wooden beat seat cover things. You remember them right? That was my aunt at the time. We were sitting at a stop light, on the other side of train tracks. These details, of course, I remember. But I can't remember if it was Jersey or Virginia...probably Jersey. So here we are, sitting at this stop light, and my aunt puts in a tape. Possession starts up and me, as my 10 year old self, is going, "what is this?" I also thought, "my parents would never let me listen to this." If you know Sarah McLachlan then I'm sure you know Possession. If you don't, you're missing an amazing singer/songwriter but that isn't the point, just a plug for my favorite artist of all time. But back to my 10 year old self.

I didn't know anything about Sarah. Had never heard her before. At 10, I wasn't exactly into the lyrics but I did think she had a beautiful voice. I asked my aunt who it was and was informed. At the time, she loved her. At the time, she said we'd just not tell my parents about it. That was fine by me. She was different from my parents, but I didn't really understand all that then.

Sitting there at that stoplight, I heard Sarah for the first time. It would be three years before I would hear her again. My 10 year old self would forget about Possession, about Fumbling Towards Esctasy, about the goddess with the perfect voice. I didn't understand the importance at the time. I had no idea that it would come to mean so much just three years later.

In 1997, Sarah released Surfacing, her first real commercial success stateside. It got tons of airplay. I'm sure if you're of my generation and listened to any popular music at all, you remember how overplayed Angel was. I was 14 and I heard her on the radio. I knew the voice immediately and my 14 year old self remembered how my 10 year old self had thought she had a lovely voice. But now, at 14, I could appreciate her lyrics. I was angsty. I was emo before emo existed. So strange how I'm only 23 and I've lived to see the creation of a new emotion, a new genre of everything. The point here is that her music spoke to me. I rushed out to buy Surfacing, and every other album before it. I listened to her on repeat. She was the formative music of my adolescent and teenage years - most certainly the worst years of my life. But her music gave me hope...in the odd way that seriously depressive and intensely emotional music can. when things went wrong, and they were always going wrong, her music got me through them. She was a huge deal to a sad and often angry teenage girl. And to this day, she's still my favorite artist and the only thing that can pull me out of a bad funk besides Al.

I realize it may seem odd for me to relieve this bit of my past now. But it's not. It's the Christmas season and I finally have Sarah for Christmas. Anyway, I was listening to Silent Night in the car at the Subway during lunch and there are two places where she just fills space with wordless song. Just gorgeous vocals saying nothing but conveying so much through their emotion. And it's sad, almost tragically so. She sings as though it were breaking her heart and she does it without words. I was reminded of that day so many years ago when I was introduced to her and how I loved her then. More than anything, I was reminded of why. The feeling she can evoke. Beauty that gives you goosebumps and brings tears to your eyes. And so much emotion tied to everything. So much of me tied up in those wordless songs.

This probably doesn't mean anything to anyone else. But that one moment meant a great deal to me. That one moment changed my life. And maybe it's silly for one artist to mean that much. But it's not silly to me. To me, it means so much. How else do we survive those years when everything hurts more than it ever will again? It's a big deal to me and I'll be forever grateful for the introduction.

An Actual Post

Thu, 20 Dec 2007 14:46:53 GMT

So I never just post anymore.

Yeah, I know.

I only post if I've managed to write something, but that was never really the point of this LJ. The point was to talk about generally unimportant things that matter a great deal to me. And it's not like there haven't been a million. I just haven't posted about them. I dunno why. But lately as I've been trying to write again, I've been thinking about a few of them.

So, since they've been on my mind...

The fall really sucked sports-wise for me. Really really sucked. My field hockey team won the national title. This, is the only highlight of a rather shitty season.

You know me and my girls. My beautiful soccer girls. I live and die with that team. Rebuilding years suck ass. Stupid fucking NCAA seeding sucks ass too. Yes, obviously I'm still bitter about it, even with the College Cup weeks over. Us playing ND in the 3rd round is fucking stupid. And not funny you NCAA bastards. Seriously not funny. So yeah, we lost. It was a HORRID game. We mostly sucked and who knows how much of that was not having Tobin and then having Tobin at much less than 100%. Girl's amazing. But anyway. They scored on us twice in like two minutes. It was embarrassing. Beyond embarrassing. But we managed to scrape a goal and a penalty (a correct call by the way.) Game would've been fucking tied if the linesman had been in the right fucking place. But no, ND girl is like miles offside (literally the worst offsides miss I've seen in the college game.) But the linesman wasn't level, wasn't even close to level with her...so the goal was allowed. And we lost 3-2. On our home fucking field. Just caps off a bizarre season that started with a home loss and saw us lose three games including one in ACC play. But I do have hope as we're getting Ali back and we really only have to replace ONE defender...so there is that. Plus Ali loves Blue Crush and Will & Grace....

And I don't want to talk about how hard Nebraska sucked in the tourney. Some of the worst volleyball they've ever played. And with that squad...it's just sad.

OH! But Tobin did make the 15 player shortlist for the Hermann...as a sophomore...in a year when her performance wasn't as awesome as it could be because of our team play. Just give the damn thing to Lauren Cheney please...UCLA mostly underwhelmed in the College Cup but Lauren Cheney...and DiMartino. Just...give it to Lauren ok? I don't think I can bear two years in a row of evil people. Like last year...I don't even want to talk about last year...move the fucking date...whatever. We won the title anyway.

And South isn't back until April. Hooray for strikes!

Anyway, lots of time to think and ponder and panic and grow angry and depressed and way too involved in the lives of fictional characters. But the show, it gives me reason to worry. Because if you can tell me how we get from naked Spencer to Spencer kissing a new girl without assassinating Spencer's character...

So that's my real concern. New girls, Ashley (almost) kissing boys...why? What purpose do these fucking contrivances serve? Drama? I don't need this ridiculous and illogical kind of drama. Spencer can be many things. But she is not the kind of girl who just has random sex that doesn't mean anything. She's not a friends with benefits girl. She's not a "that was a mistake" kind of girl. She's a "I know exactly what I'm doing and why" kind of girl. She's not going to sleep with Ashley as thanks. She's not going to sleep with Ashley because she want her but not a relationship. Sex matters too much to her. Ashley matters too much to her. So why the fuck is there a new girl? Because Ashley is a lot of things but I will not believe she runs again. She was finally growing up, figuring it out. She gets how much Spencer means to her and how important it is to keep her this time around. It's not selfish now. It's true fucking love for once. So how do I get a fucking new girl? They have to ruin somebody for this and I'm sick of it being Ashley. Mostly I'm terrified it's Spencer and they can ruin everyone else (and have) but not her. I don't think I can forgive that. Not for all the "I love yous" and roses and candles and sitting in laps in the world.

The new promos are...annoying. I mean, hooray for the awesome Spashleyness in the one. With everything being good and happy and perfect. But then new girl and Ethan and Kyla apologizing and consoling Ashley...I don't know what to do with it. But be worried. And I don't want to be worried about Spencer. I shouldn't have to be worried about Spencer. I want "I love yous" that actually ring true. That aren't used when everything is falling apart. That really mean something. I want roses even though I hate flowers because Ashley doing something sappy like that...girl's completely gone. I want candles and couches and sitting so very close because it's affection, it's everyday. It's what we always wanted and never got. The girls being the girls. The girls being in love and acting like it. I want those things, not new girls and Ethan and consolation. So I guess...I have to hope for something that I just can't see. Because if I spend all this time from now til April thinking about what they'll probably do...I just can't.

I guess it's all the more frustrating because the girls were finally headed in the right direction. Spencer has really come into her own. She knows who she is. She knows what matters to her. She's standing up for herself and the things that matter. She's the Spencer I always knew she was. And Ashley is finally developing into the girl I always knew she could be. She's getting over herself. She's focusing on other people finally. She's understanding that you have to give to get and that letting people in is the only way to have a relationship. She's making the right choices, being patient, being honest. She's doing the little things this time around. And how do you fuck that all to hell? For the sake of drama and suspense? Fuck drama, it's beyond overrated when it's cheap and makes no sense. I love the girls I have now and I don't want to watch any more characters get wrecked, certainly not Spencer. And haven't we done enough of this already when it comes to Ashley? Seriously, figure out something else, something that keeps them in the characters they're developing into.

And that, is that. I feel better. I still don't know about the USWNT...but I love Heather. I just can't not. She's reading to little kids for sobbing out loud...

Once More With Feeling

Mon, 17 Dec 2007 19:50:26 GMT

I'm back, a week later. A week and a drabble later. Yes, I've managed to write another one. No it isn't perfection and beauty and awesomeness, but it is moving foward. It is getting out of bed. It is moving into the day. It is trying for the future. It's still oddly hopeful. I refuse to write the angst and anger the promos often inspire in me. I don't want new girls and Ash kissing boys again. I want roses, and I love yous, and sitting in laps. I don't want to get from naked Spencer to Spencer kissing a new girl. I want candles and couches and sitting oh so very close. So here's to moving forward. Here's to having hope. Here's to the girl I know and love and who I worry is going to fade away.

She was late. Beyond late. It was noon and she'd missed most of the school day. Spencer Carlin was never late, and she certainly didn't skip class altogether. Well, that one time, but did that even count because they hadn't actually had class?

But now she had missed English, Calculus, Physics, and Spanish. And without a good reason. Without any real reason at all. Ok, that wasn't true, but she certainly couldn't tell her teachers that she'd missed class because she was up until 5:00 with her...what?

Girlfriend? No, they weren't back together...were they? Ex? She cringed at that thought. She hadn't just spent the night with her ex. It was more than that. But what?

Shaking her head, Spencer refocused on her more immediate problem. What was she going to tell her parents? What was she going to tell her teachers?

Halfway to school, she was starting to think that leaving Ashley's had been a very stupid idea. After all, she had already missed most of the day. What point was there in trying to salvage the last bit?

Salvage, was that what she was attempting to do with Ashley? Was that what last night had been about, salvaging something of their relationship, of them?

Spencer sighed and bit her lip, fighting against a smile. No, last night certainly hadn't been about salvaging anything. It had been about starting over, starting again. And as she turned the car around, heading back toward Ashley's, she realized that's exactly what this whole thing was. It was starting over. It was starting again.

Uh...

Wed, 05 Dec 2007 19:25:43 GMT

So it's strange and not that good but it's something which is a lot more than the nothing I've had for a week. I swear I will write something decent again soon...really.

So I walked in on my sister and her...ex? Seriously, I have no idea what to call her. I thought they weren't together but there they were, very together. So I don't know what she is, what they are. But there they were, in bed together. Sound asleep and, I'm almost certain, without a single piece of clothing between them.

It's funny ya know, Ashley acts like such a tough kid, like she doesn't need anything. But when they were together, and apparently it's still true now, she's the one who sleeps with her head on Spencer's shoulder. She's the one who curls into Spencer's side, who has Spencer's arm wrapped around her shoulders. And I hadn't seen her look so peaceful since...well it's been a very long time.

I shouldn't have still been standing there. I should have gone to my room, left them to whatever it was they were trying to become. But I didn't. My sister could be a first-class fuck-up. I mean, the number of times she'd managed to hurt Spencer, who in my estimation is possibly the sweetest girl on the planet, was remarkable. And so many times I don't think she got it, ya know? I don't think she understood how much she was hurting her. I also don't think she realized how much she was hurting herself. But she figured it out. When Spencer left her, she figured it out.

She changed then. Not overnight, but she did change. She stopped caring so much about herself, about superficial shit, and started paying more attention to everyone around her. I guess that was what Spencer wanted. Obviously it was enough for her to put her wounded heart back out there again. She was here after all.

Seeing them together again, whatever they were, they were happy. I already said my sister could be a first-class fuck-up, but if she could manage to change, change enough to win back a girl who's heart she'd ripped apart more times than I can count, maybe there was hope for everyone. Maybe there was hope for me...

So I stood in the doorway and watched them sleeping for a few minutes longer. Just wanting to know that they were really ok. Wanting to believe that maybe everything could be ok again.

Who can say...

Wed, 28 Nov 2007 17:31:36 GMT

It was one line. Four words. This is what I ended up with. Obviously I'm stuck at the same point.

She's not sure exactly what it all means. She knows she loves her. She knows she never stopped. Even when she ran. Even when she ran again. She missed her every day. Missed those warm brown eyes, that mischevious smirk, the soft hands that steadied her progress and knocked her completely off course.

She'd broken her heart. Left it in little pieces when she'd run off to Europe after prom. Never managed to return her calls, for three weeks it'd been like she never existed. She called him back. It was petty she knew. He was her oldest friend, her first relationship. He'd almost died that night. Of course she was concerned, so afraid of losing someone else. But then she slept with him. Said she loved her, chose her...and slept with him.

That had stung. She'd told herself then that she was through trying. Maybe they could be friends, but not lovers, not again. She'd tried moving on. She'd tried dating someone else. But still, it always came back to Ashley. And then she changed.

She was trying. Making all the effort she'd never made before to be there, to be supportive, to care. She even managed to get her mom to Pride. So she'd decided it was worth another try, worth the risk of another heartbreak.

In the early morning light, Spencer still isn't sure what it all means. Last night, everything they'd shared, it felt like a new start. Was it? Were they back together? Glancing over at the beautiful brunette sleeping soundly beside her, she realizes that she doesn't have those answers yet. They still have a lot to talk through, so much to explain. But she does know one thing - she's all in.

The Thought Process

Tue, 27 Nov 2007 17:55:13 GMT

So I'm not a literary girl.

I had to read enough in high school to learn that it wasn't for me. I avoided it like the plague at university except for my Gay Lit class and well, it was gay lit.

Aside from my bizarre appreciate of Hawthorne, and my love of Hemingway, Fitzgerald, and Faulkner, I really don't do anything pre-1980ish. If I'm reading lit, it's generally very modern. More likely is that I'm reading fanfic or fantasy.

However, I do adore Orwell, Huxley, and Bradbury. Quite possibly three of my most prized possessions are my copies of 1984, Brave New World, and Fahrenheit 451. Timeless moral tales about what could easily be. But this isn't really the point.

The point is that I got an idea for a Spash story. I thought it might be interesting to place the characters I love inside a world I love as well. Using the 1984 world for a Spash story could be quite intriguing, at least I thought it could. Then I was concerned about using someone else's world as my own. But isn't that always part of the creative process? It would provide for the perfect angsty piece I've been dying to write but can't quite wrap my head around. It's a place to start a longer work without killing myself to figure out a whole new AU world. I don't want anyone to be a female version of Winston, I just want to place the characters I love in that world. If that would be interesting to anyone besides me...who knows.

That's my idea. Will I pursue it? I don't know. Would anyone even want to read it? I really don't know. But it's something bouncing around in my brain at least. It'd be a start for me that wouldn't completely stress me out maybe. We'll see...

The Dilemma

Mon, 19 Nov 2007 16:55:56 GMT

My dilemma, outside of the fact that I've never finished a full length piece...haven't gotten past three chapters actually...is that I really want to and am beyond uncertain about how to proceed.

Here's the deal - I have this vague sort of idea. Well, it's really more of an amazingly sharp image that is BEGGING to work itself into a fic. But it's angsty. Super angsty. And it's so far outside the character of Spencer that I know and love. SO FAR.
If you know me, you know how big a canon girl I am. Canon is insanely important to me (outside of my slash shippiness.) But if I've got canon, I want things to fall in line with that canon. It's why I hate the Buffyverse for some things. Joss killed Tara and even though I hate it and found it completely pointless and ridiculous, that's canon. Rewriting the story to keep her alive or bringing her back is totally fine. So within the right of each writer. But it's not for me. It breaks my canon and unless I'm in a completely AU world, I just don't like it.

I know, such devotion to canon seems crazy. I guess, the thing is this. The canon gave me characters that I love. It developed them into amazingly deep and complex (in many cases) characters with flaws and fears and loves just like any of us. And here again, if you know me, you know that I'm a character girl. I love characters so much more than I love shows (Buffy being the only exception thus far.) It's that intense devotion to characters that turns me off of canon alteration so much. When an author works almost completely outside the bounds of a verse, in an AU world, that's a different issue. The characters I know and love are still present but everything else is different which means they can be different. They haven't had all these experiences that shaped them. They haven't interacted with other characters in the same fashion. They can be completely reshaped in a world that is nothing like the one I know them from.

However, most authors, when trying to work within the same verse and merely changing aspects of it, tend to change characters in ways that don't make sense within the bounds of the canon they are still working in. For better or worse, the experiences each character lives through, the people they associate with, the loves and losses they experience serve to develop them. If, as an author, I want to work within canon, then that requires me to work precisely within canon. Having a character commit an act which is outside what we know them to do within canon simply isn't an option for me. It breaks canon and takes away from the character within the canon that I'm working with. Mostly, it just doesn't make sense in my head. For better or worse, the characters I have in canon are what I have. If I don't like them, I can start over in AU and rewrite them. But if I like what I have within canon, even if I don't like all of it, then I feel I need to keep it. For me, it's doing a disservice to the characters to have them do things that don't make sense, to say things they've never hinted at saying. If I'm in the verse, I'm in the verse. If I'm not, I'm not.

Finally, we reach my actual dilemma. What I think I want to write on involves Spencer doing something we've never been given any reason to think she'd do. In fact, I'm not even really sure how to maintain her character traits and allow her to do this. I almost certainly can't do it within the bounds of canon (though our writers have already assassinated most of our characters.)

So one supposes I need to venture into AU territory. I need to take the characters that I know and move them into a story I don't. But there's the problem...I don't know the story. Outside of this one idea, I've got nothing. I almost don't even have context for the scene itself. I just know this really wants to be written and I really want to write it.

What is probably going to happen is that I'll be banging out some ideas in drabble over the next little bit. See if anything grabs me. Figure out how to work this into Spencer's character. How to alter her history to make it possible. How to keep her Spencer (because you know Spence is my girl.) So bear with me eh? It's a whole new world for me.

The Beginning

Thu, 15 Nov 2007 19:40:43 GMT

Ok, I seriously haven't even looked this back over. I wrote it and now I'm posting as I don't have time for anything else. It's the start of an idea I have for something more. Obviously I make no promises except that I'll revise sometime soon. Oh...it's angsty.

Don't stop now. I need this to hurt. Burn it into my mind. No more second-guessing anymore.
This is how it ends.
Don't stop now. Get my head on straight. And if seeing this is what it takes, please don't stop it now.
This will be the last time.

She stopped short, pausing at the edge of the crowded dance floor. The drinks in her hand, a Vodka Cranberry and a Jack and Coke, slipped from her grasp, splattering her shoes and cascading glass across the floor as they shattered. No one noticed over the din.

No one ever noticed anything.

The two girls in the dark corner certainly hadn't. Too lost in each other, they wouldn't notice such a small thing as a spilled drink. The brunette continued to stroke the blonde's face, occasionally pulling her in for another kiss. Once, she leaned in and whispered something that made the blonde laugh softly, squeezing the hip resting under her small hand. Then they kissed again, the blonde tugging the brunette's lip between her teeth. They giggled. They caressed. They teased and toyed. All the things two girls in love would do.

Fifteen feet away, she was still frozen in place, cranberry and coke soaking her shoes. Watching the scene, she wanted nothing more than to turn and run from the club. But she couldn't. Something held her in place, kept her eyes on the two girls.

Blinking repeatedly, she continued to stare, felt her heart pounding. And still, she watched. Burning the image of the girl she loved with someone else deep into her mind. Not just with someone, looking at that girl as she'd once looked at her. Sharing that private smile, those shining eyes.

This wasn't a meaningless fuck or even a passing flirtation...it was so much more. She knew that look. Once, it had been for her. Now it belonged to someone else. She belonged to someone else. And as they left together, obviously headed for a more private location, no one noticed the sound of her heart breaking.

No one ever noticed anything.

Don't ask. I don't know.

Wed, 14 Nov 2007 19:22:16 GMT

I offer this. The first real bit of work in weeks. The general picture along with the first line came to me. I went with it as I always attempt to do. I make no promises of its worth. It is what it is - a sad look at the girls I love. It's what I tend to feel I write best...

"I can't"

Spencer shook her head.

"I just...can't."

Dropping her eyes to the white comforter, she twisted a bit of it between her fingers.

"I don't...I..."

Ashley didn't know what to say. Her head was spinning and her hands were shaking. Just moments ago she'd been kissing the gorgeous blonde beside her. Pulling away just long enough to tug her shirt up over her head before returning to those perfect lips, the ones that stole her breath and left her weak.

But Spencer had pulled away, pulled away with frightening words. Words she didn't understand.

"Please...just...god...just talk to me."

Ashley was pleading but she didn't care. Spencer still wouldn't look at her and she was starting to panic.

"I..." Spencer sighed and looked up from the tangled mass of comforter in her hand. Her eyes were wet and she kept biting at her bottom lip.

"I can't do this with you."

Whispered so quietly but it resounded like a shout in Ashley's ears.

"You can't...do...what?"

Sighing again, Spencer looked at the ceiling, the moisture in her eyes threatening to spill over.

"I can't...be with you."

Ashley couldn't breathe. She'd heard the words but she couldn't process them. Couldn't allow herself to believe what she'd heard.

"You...I...no. You can't say that."

She reached for Spencer, wanted to see those azure eyes, knew she could find the truth in them. Cupping her chin, Ashley gently turned Spencer's face toward her. In those blue eyes, clouded over with tears, she saw everything she needed to see.

"Why?"

Voice cracking over that simple syllable, it was all she could manage.

"Because," Spencer murmured, "all I can see now is you when you run."