"I can't just get over you."

Biting the inside of her lip, she meets Spencer's gaze for the first time since this conversation began.

"I know I'm supposed to.  I know I made it seem so easy."

A deep breath, then, quietly.

"That was the biggest lie of my entire life."

Those blue eyes are unreadable and Ashley doesn't know if she can bear another moment of silence.

"The biggest lie?  Really?"

Her expression hasn't changed, those blue eyes haven't softened, but Ashley can hear the surprise in her voice.

"Yes.  I know.  I've lied so many times.  How can this possibly top the list?  It's what you're thinking right?"

Spencer drops her gaze, shifts from foot to foot.

"Yes," murmured so softly Ashley only knows she's said it because she knows Spencer.  Clinching her fist, she fights down the urge to reach out and cup Spencer's chin.  To bring those blue eyes back to her.

"I know.  The number of lies I've told you alone..."

She bites her lip, blinking hard.  Because she remembers, every single time, she remembers.  Only now she also understands why every single time mattered.  Before it was just convenient.  It made life a little easier. What she realizes now is that it only made life easier at the time. Everything after was so much harder.

"I know.  It would seem...small maybe.  But it's the lie I told myself, the lie I tried to believe, the lie I wanted you to believe.  It's the one that I can't ever take back.  It's the one that made you think I didn't love you, and maybe...that I never had."

Taking a deep breath, she steels herself, one last thing she has to say.

"But it was never even an option for me.  From the moment I met you, when you ran into me and made me spill coffee all over myself, it was never an option."

"What wasn't?"

Spencer's voice startles her and she looks up into shocking blue eyes that steal the words from her lips. 

"Uhhh...what?"

For the first time those blue eyes soften.  Spencer shakes her head, an almost smile playing at the corners of her lips.

"What wasn't an option?"

It took a moment.  Ashley continued to stare, completely lost, and then her eyes widened.

"Oh!  Of course..."

Spencer giggled and Ashley smiled and, for a moment, they were 16 again just starting out.

"Getting over you, it was never an option."

But just as quickly, Ashley had broken their nostalgia, whispering the most important thing she would ever say.

"From that very first moment Spence, I was never going to get over you. It's why I came to find you in the gym after school.  It's why it took me so long to admit that I wanted you.  It's why I fucked everything up again and again.  Because I knew that it was always going to be you and that scared me to death."

Sucking in a quick breath, she rushes ahead.

"And I know that makes no sense.  I know it.  But all my life, everyone has left.  They've hurt me and then they've left.  And I've never felt for anyone what I feel for you.  I was terrified to lose you. Terrified that I would let you in and then you'd leave.  And I knew I'd never get over that.  I'd never get over you."

Spencer sighs, shaking her head.  She takes a step toward Ashley, reaching out to cup her chin and draw her gaze upward.

"So you decided not to let me in at all."

It's not a question.  Ashley knows Spencer isn't asking.  She already knows that she's right.  But she needs to respond anyway, to give her something.

"Yes.  I thought that if I never let you in, I wouldn't ever have to lose you."

Quietly, pulling at her pinky.

"How's that working out for you?"

A rueful smile curls Ashley's lips and she looks away.

"Not very well.  Not at all actually."

A moment passes between them, neither knowing quite what to say.  Finally, Ashley breaks the silence.

"Spence?"

Spencer looks up from her hands.

"Yeah?"

"I'll never get over you."

A deep breath and she continues.

"I know I've lost you and I know it's my fault.  I was stupid to think I could have you and not let you in.  I was stupid to not let you in when all you ever did was let me in.  And I can't expect you to give me yet another chance when all you've given me is chances and all I've given you is regrets.  But you should know that I'll never get over you.  From that very first moment, I never had a chance."

Another long moment passes and Ashley turns to go.

"Look, I said what I needed you to hear so I'm just going to..."

But she doesn't get to finish her hasty retreat as Spencer's fingers wrap around her forearm and pull her back.  Pull her into her.  Lips just centimeters apart, they share Spencer's breathed exhalation.

"I never had a chance either."

When they kiss for the first time in months, it isn't newly earth-shattering or axis-tilting.  It always has been.  Because they never had a choice, and they sure as hell never had a chance.  But now at least, they both know that.